Kards Unlimited

I Hate Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and other lies

2012-02-17T10:03:00.000-05:00

I hate Joseph Gordon Levitt. The little asshole insists on being incredibly talented and impossibly humble at the same time. His physical beauty can cause blindness. He can look adorable and threatening in any 10-second span of time, and either look makes me sweat.

Does he not get how celebrity works? It's a simple equation: we the people give you tons of money so that we have the right to judge your foibles and feel better about ourselves. Because schadenfreude is the only true entertainment. But Mr. Joseph Fancypants-Levitt seems unaware of this deal, and obstinately refuses to take up cocaine or Brazilian hookers of indeterminate age. What's more, he continues to make good movies! Who does he think he is?

At least back in the nineties he had silly hair, but this hardly makes up for the fact that he held his own in a sitcom co-starring John Lithgow and Jane Curtin, and besides he cut it off by halfway through 3rd Rock from the Sun's TV run. By the time he killed it in 10 Things I Hate About You he was already on his way to being respected as a comedic actor and generally accepted as a cutie-pie by Miss Macually's seventh grade class at the George Hill School for Girls.

I was willing, at this point, to forgive these transgressions. Comedic actors are held to different standards than dramatic ones; it's not so unseemly for comedians to be "nice guys." But then Brick happened, and my life fell apart. Little Tommy Solomon had somehow transformed into a hard-boiled detective who made believable a plot revolving around high-school coke dealers. He even stole my name. The movie was beautiful, sparse, disturbing, and taut. In short, unforgivable.

Brick, along with Mysterious Skin, constituted Joey's return to acting after a few years studying French Lit at Columbia. French Lit. At Columbia. Since then he's starred and costarred in movies like (500) Days of Summer, Stop-Loss, Inception, and the not-yet-released The Dark Knight Rises. If it weren't for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, I don't know what I would have done.

Weed.

2012-02-16T09:26:00.001-05:00

Marijuana Awareness Month: if you aren't aware already, this is the time.

oh hello MLP

Brendan's Marijuana Fun Facts:

1. Marijuana is the smokable psychoactive made up of the cured leaves of the sativa and indica varieties of the cannabis plant. There is argument about the specific affects of sativa versus indica, but just shut up and hit the bowl.

2. Marijuana has been reported to cause euphoria and relaxation in some, and dolla dolla bills in others.

3. The high from smoking weed is caused by the active chemical compound tetrahydrocannabinol. Resist the urge to prove to the cop that you're sober by spelling it.

4. Cannabis is a hardy plant, able to grow in a wide range of climates, from Afghanistan to Colombia to hydroponic bays in my basement.

5. Cannabis is also useful in a medical capacity, as an excuse to get high.

6. There wouldn't, like, be any wars if everybody just, you know, smoked a lil pot now and then.

7. Famous stoners include Barack Obama, Tommy Chong, Bill Clinton, George Clinton, Harrison Ford, and Brendan Sullivan.

8. Marijuana can be acquired from Ricky Fitz Monday through Friday during recess.

9. My friend told me this one time he got shit that was straight purple.

10. Getting high with your parents can lead to accidental bonding.

11. The number 420 is now forever giggle-worthy.

12. Marijuana made Avatar more than 2 and a half billion dollars.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Flirt Your Faces Off.

2012-02-14T08:30:00.000-05:00

Flirting cannot be defined. You cannot pin point which actions constitute 'flirting'. Some people may see an act as flirtation, others as hostility. The only thing I can tell you about this mysterious act is that I've freaking mastered it and I can help you hone in on some major flirtation potential. Questions that are probably rolling through that delicious brain are as follows: How exactly does one master the art of flirting? How can I master this art? Why is this even important? and the answers is; SHUT UP AND LISTEN TURD.
Wax on. Wax off. m'fers. That's how you learn.

So, you're coming to me, asking me how to be flirtatious because you've seen me in action eh? You've seen how I narrow in on the one Jewish boy in the room and I make him mine. But you just can't figure out how to do it? Well here are some helpful tips to zone in on some sweet tuccus (whether you prefer male or female, whether you are male or female) Cause we know sexuality is a pretty gray area...are you picking up what I'm putting down?


I ain't mad at this, not a bit.

So here are some tips to make your flirtation experience as successful as all of mine, interpret that however you want.

MARY'S FLIRTATION TIPS

Step One: Obviously the first step is to find a babe-a-licious man or woman within walking distance (sweating does not make the heart grow fonder) So, once you've honed in one that one gorgeous piece of man meat (he's wearing horn rimmed glasses, he has forearm tattoos, he might be smoking a cigarette, he's obviously got a shaved head and he's wearing docs...I can't help what I like!) You need to get the conversation started! Walk straight up to him (or her) and say something clever! I tend to lean more towards a stellar opening line like, "So, Its a little known fact that 'tan' became popular during the Bronze Age." BLAM. You've got his attention, now what?!

I want one.

Step Two: Maintain eye contact, use those baby blues (or whatever color) to zone in on this delicious piece. Men have simple, simple brains. If you maintain eye contact their little hearts go pitter-patter all over the place. Its almost a matter of intimidation at this point ladies (or gents) Confidence does really go very far in these situations, and it doesn't hurt if you actually don't really care that much. So you've got his attention, now his heart is beating faster and slower at the same time because you're using those shiny new intimidation skills. What the hell is the next move? Don't panic, just continue reading.

They don't need my help.

Step Three: Its touchy time! DON'T BE PERVERTED. Obviously I would not skip to Step Seven without the appropriate build up...we're just not that type of girl. What I mean by touchy time is now that you've got his attention its time for some simple physical contact to spark his interest. There are numerous ways to introduce touchy time, ask yourself some basic questions to better analyze the situation. Is this boy a lil' intoxicated? If yes, its time for something I like to call the tipsy test. Lock his gaze, jokingly suggest that you may or may not have roofied his most recent drink and then lift his hands above his head and begin the test. It doesn't actually matter how you test his tipsy-ness, just the fact that you are now holding BOTH of his hands. THAT'S PROGRESS PEOPLE.

Just had to throw this in to show manly perfection.

But what if he's not tipsy enough for the test? Well, that's when the simple game of conversational touching comes into play. He's blah blah-ing about the Czech Republic and you're acting interested by giggling and slipping in the occasional fake punch and shoulder touch. At this point, your hipster prince is melting in his pretty little lace up black Doc's. I guess its time to knock this boy out of the park.

If he's wearing these, kiss him forever.

Step Four: This is as far as my flirting skills go, beyond this step is a land of wonder and excitement that I just don't think its appropriate to talk about (cuddling). So, you've been prepped on the art of flirting from one of the finest artists around. You know how to start a conversation, you know how to intimidate, you know how to induce some serious flirtatious touching but now you're confused as to what happens next. But that my friend, depends on you. Do you want this boy/girls number? Do you want to lock lips and as we Kard kids like to say (or will start saying from now on...) dump the stump? If you want to kiss it and then quit it, please follow the directions below

KISS. CUDDLE. QUIT.

If you want to further this relationship outside the realm of flirting I'm afraid my advice stops here. Unfortunately this flirtation advice is all prep work, and honey after that...you're lost in the abyss.

Love is dead.

Charles Darwin- everyone's favorite slacker?

2012-02-13T11:42:00.000-05:00

Wanna know why I love Charles Darwin? The guy was a half-assed student who never made it through med school and a relatively amateur naturalist who managed to turn a few key but disparate facts into one of the most important paradigm shifts in scientific history. His theories of evolution and natural selection are pinnacles of deductive reasoning. From the notions that there were once species that are now extinct, that there were similar species of birds that had minor differences based on which island in an archipelago they lived, and that parents passed traits onto their offspring -- heredity wasn't his idea, but he employed it beautifully -- he arrived at natural selection and divergent evolution. Because if some species were so much less able to reproduce and thrive that they passed out of existence altogether, then it stands to reason that survival of the fittest is a tendency of nature. And if survival of the fittest -- natural selection -- works across species, what is there to say it does not apply within any given species? So the more fit members of a species are more likely to breed and have viable offspring while the traits of the weaker members die out; evolution. And last but not least, there were 17 species of finch on the Galapagos Islands; which is more likely, that those 17 species have always been and each migrated to a separate islands in the same archipelago, or that a single species migrated to the archipelago, each island required different characteristics for the birds to thrive, and the species evolved divergently to meet those goals, becoming what they were in the 1830s only after many generations.

Oh, Darwin.

Extra Special Awesome VD Weekend Blog!

2012-02-10T18:57:00.000-05:00

4 days and counting.....

4 days until you need to have the BEST gift ever or you will be alone forever.

4 days to find the MOST PERFECT CARD you've ever given another human being or you will be alone forever.

Well not forever but you might have a not so fun day and your significant person might think you suck a little.

aka the booty might not be gotten

So let me hit you with something. I'm poor. You might be too. Which means the V Day presents will not be extravagant but they will be full of love. But lets say that you can't even do that.

EVERYTHING. And I mean almost everything. Can be remedied with the perfect card. You can be adorable Michael Cera Goofy. Hot goofy like Paul Rudd. Sexy like...someone sexy. Romantic. Serious. Romantic and funny. And you NEED to write your own message because even the most perfect card will only get you so far without a little bit of your own thought involved.

HIT HER/him WITH AS MUCH EMOTION AS A GOO GOO DOLLS SONG

bring her to tears

or make her/him feel rull sexy like

LUCKY FOR YOU

we have so so so many cards but better get 'em while they're hot because this weekend everyone will have the same idea as you!

Vintage Valentines!

Quirky and adorable!

SO CUTE YOUR HEAD IS EXPLODING !!

"you're the mac to my cheese"

if someone gave this to me I would marry them immediately

A beaver saying lets get busy!?

Have you seen those clams in love!!?

so much BUTTER with you! HA!

But really....Let's Be Frank

I love lions.

I bet it is!

So kids there are only a sampling of the SMORGASBORD that is in the this magical place called Kards Unlimited. So please come and check out the bazillion cards before there are only a half bazillion left!

This is what the KU valentines day sections look like

Dump Your Significant Jerk Week!

2012-02-10T10:59:00.000-05:00

Yes. Please.

So you have this man friend (or lady friend if that's yo thang.) and well they, in so many eloquent words, suck. How can you eliminate this person from your life and yet remain sexi, happy, and cool? DUMP THAT LYING, CHEATING, SON OF A CRAP-KNOCKER. This week is dedicated to rebirth! No, not that awkward thing that some crazy's do after they find Jesus' face on a piece of toast. Its the kind of rebirth associated with cool people like Darth Vader or John Travolta --------------> sex.

The question now on our tedious minds is; how the heck do we know if our significant other is actually an EMOTIONAL TERRORIST?...blowing our shit up constantly, like the hidden Imam of sadness and anger (high brow Islamic joke...BLAM bitches.) Well the first thing we can do is go over some situations to prep ourselves for potential crap-tastic man/lady friends.

SCENARIO TIME

Just Don't Speak.

So, you've been dating this boy. Hes the a-typical jerk bag, he might smoke too much, he might drink too much, he might do typical jerky things like; instead of replacing the used toilet paper roll with a new one he just places it on top of the old one, his feet smell like a combination of cheese, pepper and boogers, he hates Radiohead, he's a meat eater, he's not Jewish. You know, all the things that signal a flailing love interest. His only redeeming quality is that he was BLESSED by the great Allah with the sweetest tuccus this side of Maine. Hes a babe, we're talkin high quality, 100%, motor-boat material. I don't even need to get into a physical description BUT I WILL. Large dark glasses, brown mullet-like hair, forearm tattoos, a useless degree in 17th Century Moroccan poetry, black. flag. tattoo, All of these physical traits combine to make one melodramatic smokin' hot man. Don't give up hope, there is a way out of this mess. Sit this useless piece of man-meat down, maintain eye contact, hold a hand if you feel he needs it, and simply repeat after me: "(insert man-meat name here) you are a complete babe, but unfortunately we are not on the same intellectual level, you are about a two on the scale...and yo brain ain't supposed to be playin golf. Now GET GONE." BLAM.

That was an easy fix. Boys are uncomplicated creatures, girls on the other hand are nuts out crazy. So how should you handle a breakup with a scuzbag if you's a guy? I think its time for another...

SCENARIO #2

Clean yourself up woman!

So you kissed a girl, and you didn't like it. You've been seeing this lady for a little while and to put it lightly she ain't no 'carry on' (emotional baggage joke) BLAM BLAM BLAM outta left. Shes the kind of high maitenance men have nightmares about. The kind of girl who takes two SOLID hours of hair and makeup prep to even consider making an appearance out. The kind of girl who climbs the emotional scale at least sixteen times throughout the day. Her moods vary from fighting the enclave of a deep dark depression (she felt 'bloaty') to tears of pure joy (she found her favorite pants from Freshman year and they still fit! golly gee) She has you trapped in what seems like a never ending game of emotional Russian roulette. Yet, you find yourself drawn to her tear soaked face, dramatic displays for attention and her seemingly endless supply of fleece zip-ups, black leggings and ugly boots of every color stuffed with enough wool to kill a sheep.
Ignore her cuteness and remember all of the bad times, push those memories to the very front cortex of your brain. Chanel all the times she told you your nightly phone call with mom was 'unhealthy' or the one time you didn't feel like MAKIN WHOOPIE (she had just ingested a whole loaf of garlic bread in a desperate attempt to soak up the six frozen margaritas she and her 'girls' downed at 5pm) and she openly questioned your sexuality to your family and friends for a period of 24 hours. Take those memories and use them my friend, use them to crush her. Sit her down, maintain eye contact and repeat the following, "So, (insert name name of the unstable Betty here) listen, I'm moving to Africa and because of that I can't continue this relationship...Just kidding! One of those statements was a lie. I'm not moving to Africa, but I do want to end this shit." BLAM she cries, you win.

Congratulate Yourself!

So what have we learned today children? The single life is rewarding, you ain't bogged down. Free to live the life you wish! Now get back out there in the field, play around, throw some balls.

Bath Time is Book Time

2012-02-09T09:40:00.000-05:00

I was unaware that today was Read in the Bathtub day; I was unaware that such a day exists. Because in my world, every day is read in the bathtub day.

Maybe not every day, but I'd say the average week has me reading in the bath tub at least two separate days, usually for an hour or so a pop. A book is the best thing you can have with your bath that isn't another person. I can't tell you exactly how I came to love the combination of baths and books -- is it because I want something to do in the bath, or because I want to keep reading despite my need to bathe? -- but it's got its hooks in me now, and there's no going back.

I read ninety percent of Chris Matthews' Jack Kennedy biography in the tub, and as a result the pages now have a strange flexibility from the steam. I'm a big fan of blankets, and my Snuggie is one of my most prized possessions -- I received it as a gift, scoffed, and then realized it is incredibly warm and comfy -- but there's something especially wonderful about being submerged in piping hot water. It's like going back to the womb.

I have become incredibly proficient turning on the faucet with my foot, for a hot shot after the water cools a little bit. I can tell by how many times I do this what kind of a day I'm having. Or how good the book is.

There are, of course, some ways to make a bath even better. Bathtub Tea, for instance, contains essential oils of various scents and gives off wonderful therapeutic vapors. Why not pick some up at your friendly neighborhood card shop!

And there is, of course, bubble bath. We sell a variety of bubble baths, including the lavish Tokyo Milk Bubbling Bon Bon. They come in really, really pretty bottles.

So, get readin'.

(Author Photo)

Children's Authors and Illustrators we salute you!

2012-02-07T10:18:00.002-05:00

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there.

Welcome to Children's Authors and Illustrators Week!!

If you've ever stepped foot into the wonderland known as Kards Unlimited and walked through our children's book section you might have realized that we have some of the best in town. Which means someone knows and loves children's lit. If you've ever had a question about children's books and were lucky enough to hear one of our walkie talkie convos you would have realized

1. we are all insane

2. we LOVE children's lit

3. we're actually insane

What Im going to do is hand this post over to some people who are much better at expressing real thoughts and who say things of worth.

Last years brilliant post - Childrens authors and illustrators week crazy 1800s style! Read it plz!

And here ====> yes here! <====

My very good friend the Librarian in the Cupboard has been giving her opinions on these matters for quite some time. She is hilarious and and incredibly knowledgeable and the name of her blog is better than yours.

Peruse it, search old posts, check out new posts. It's a good idea.

And look here at only a sampling of the children's books we have at KU!

Journals of your favorite kids books!

Merry Merry Children's Authors and Illustrators week to you!

KU Valentine's Day GIFT LIST - helping you get some since 1968!

2012-02-06T13:15:00.000-05:00

"The cutest thing ever...From Roy...A giant teddy bear. Bigger than you.
[opens tiny box to reveal miniature teddy bear] Sounds. great...No, no; it really does sound great. Listen, Beth, I gotta go; the Christmas tree's on fire." Guess what this is from without looking it up and I'll go on a date with you and put my mouth on your mouth.

DON'T LET THIS BE YOU!!

Keep Calm

It's the always annual Kards Unlimited

Valentine's Day

Gift List

!!!

So that day known as Valentine's Day is very very steadily approaching. Cupid is flying at you full speed with an arrow ready to fly right into your bum and you need to start shopping. If you don't all that will be left is the no-name-brand candy at the convenience store, the general not so perfect card and the wilted rose and then you can pretty much count on not getting any for VD. So how do you guarantee yourself a great Valentine's Day?

Read this blog! Get ideas. Buy things. Give them.

Get some. Good.

Also, if you plan on being single or flying solo you should STILL plan on having a good Valentine's day. Take your happiness into your own hands. If you catch our drift. Get it?

Sexiness is next to cleanliness as the age old saying goes and rub a dub dub there's a lot more than cleaning that you can do in the tub.

Get to your Valentine's heart by telling them they should take a sexy bubble bath. But be careful not to invite yourself too presumptiously. Also be careful not to act like you want them to do it by themselves. Be boldly subtle...figure it out.

Rub a dub dub....lots more than bathing you can do in the tub!Whether you're getting it as a gift to be used together or just to help your sweet heart relieve some stress these make the perfect VDay gift. I have a headache will never be a viable excuse again.

Looking for a way to stay hot on Valentine's day? Why not turn your tub into a cherry scented sexy time grotto! Put in one of these Bath Fizzy's and prepare yourself for a very seductive soak.

That's right, your favorite witty soaps are back with a vengeance just in time for Valentine's day! Perfect for those flying solo, friends, recently single, people needing a laugh and older women hunting young men.

Steamy Book Nook

aka

Non Conventional Love Stories

Looking to curl up on Valentine's day with a love story that doesn't involve Fabio or your typical boy-girl let's fall in love in Victorian England, New York city or Paris plot? Then grab some of these non-conventional love stories that simultaneously enthrall and make you wish you had to choose between your dreamy hunting buddy and your ever sweet partner in a fight to the death. So romantic!

And remember what they say:

Dystopian futures are the new vampires!

Example: The Hunger Games. Im obsessed.

So maybe dystopian angsty love filled futures aren't your thing. Maybe you like your lit a little more lecherous. Or not lit-like at all.

These are for you!

You know what they say, the couple the reads pornographic pop up books together, stays together! So why not spice up your Valentine's Day reading list? It could do you some good.

* Also good present for single folk. You know what I mean.

Two collection of sexy time-wasters for those moments spent recovering between sessions.

Because whats better than using your brain and your junk or

lady bits at the same time?

Oh how frequently these two go together. Two peas in a drunken naked mistake pod.

An aphrodisiac cookbook. Why wait until after dinner this Valentine's day to get hot and heavy? The economy is still no good. Eat out without spending a dime.

GIRL IMMA GETCHA

It's massage oil time.

We've all wanted to recreate the hot candle scene from Ricky Martin's Livin La Vida Loca video

Now you can and it can smell rull good and be good for your skin and your sex life!

Kama Sutra gives you every type of massage oil, lotion, etc that you could ever need in every scent and flavor that you didn't even know you wanted.

But really come in and check out these massage oil candles.

Come light them up and get turned on,

ROM COM Gifts!

Because comedy and love should always go together.

Like wam-a-lama something something

You ever wonder what it would be like if a glory hole and a story book about your penis had a love child? Well wonder no more because Penis Pokey has arrived and your penis is the star! Provide some phallic comedy this V-Day! But remember to keep it clean after with our I <3 My Penis hand sani or Wait- was that slutty?

What do you give the person who has everything for Valentine's day? An adorable vintage looking printed tin full of condoms? A place to store their drugs? Art supplies? YES.

Cards cards cards aka valentines valentines valentines

So we sell cards at Kards- the perfect valentines day card is a MUST if you want to succeed.

So we're devoting another whole blog to JUST CARDS!

TUNE IN FOR A SPECIAL WEEKEND BLOG

thats right

weekend blog

blowing your mind

Happy Birthday Ayn Rand!

2012-02-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

BLAM.

Don't be confused ya'll.

Yes this blog is in celebration of the great Ayn Rand and YES this blog is being written by the biggest Socialist this side of Africa. Yes, I understand how this may make me look but please don't doubt my devotion to the gods of socialist thought like Karl Marx, Thomas Sankara or the great and incredibly sexy Fidel Castro. I still support these beautiful communistic bastards with my whole heart and soul, but Ayn Rand and her amazing literary skills have melted this ice cold communists heart. So lets get started.

Alisa Zinov'yevna Rosenbaum aka Ayn Rand was born 1905 in Russia and would eventually move to the United States in 1926 to start a long career in the literary field, first as a screen writer and then as a novelist. Not only did Rand write two of the most influential books of all time, Atalas Shrugged and The Fountainhead but she also developed her own philosophical system called Objectivism.

First things first, I'll eat yo brains.

One of my favorite things about Ms.Rand is her dedication and advocation of reason and her rejection of faith and religion. Rand argued that reason was the only way to attain knowledge. BLAM, Atheists unite!

Ayn Rand was born and raised in Russia, St. Petersburg to be exact during the Bolshevik revolution. Imagine experiencing all that BOLSHET...sorry had to. Under Bolshevik rule and the ever seeing eye of Vladimir Lenin, Rand faced many hardships. Food and money were scarce as were opportunities, and yet Rand somehow managed to gain entrance into college where she declared herself an Atheist and a student of reason (ditto girl.)

Philosophical Mega Babe.

Rand became a student with unquenchable thirst for knowledge, she read Nietzsche, Dostoevsky and many others who inspired her philosophy. Rand didn't get to graduate from college because of the tension between Bourgeoisie and the Bolshevik in Russia at the time. As we can see, Rand may have some reason to doubt Communism.

So basically what we have so far is a whole bunch of BLAH BLAH Communism BLAH BLAH sex appeal BLAH BLAH Atheist power BLAH BLAH. Lets talk about these amazing novels that inspired a generation of Libertarians and Ultra Conservatives. ehh, forget I said that...think positive.

Atlas Shrugged, what can I tell you about this novel without exposing the plot? Ask John Galt

Happy Birthday Ayn Rand, oh how fabulous you truly are.

February: the shortest month with the biggest personality

2012-01-31T07:20:00.002-05:00

February
pronounced: feb-yoo-er-ee

This month is a wily one let me tell you. Boy scouts and condoms, marijuana and the tooth fairy, ru's in the middle of words and the 29th of February that black sheep, diamond in the rough, prize at the bottom of your box of cereal.

Be aware. Marijuana. It's everywhere. And pretty much everyone smokes it. Right?

It's marijuana awareness month! I think we have something to say about this. But I guess we'll see if we feel like it when we get there.

Boy Scout Anniversary Week is the 5th through the 11th!

Almost every attempt Ive made at saying something about this has resulted in something horribly dirty.

There's something wrong with me.

Well we have this really neato book about boy scouts that is in no way dirty! Happy Birthday boy scouts! How old? 102....That's over 18. DAMMIT I COULDNT STOP MYSELF.

Something I can't sully and that we celebrate almost every day at KU is Childrens authors and illustrators week! If you've ever read our blog or come in our store you would have figured out we all know and love our children's lit. This is not the last you'll be hearing of this.

So February first kicks off just right with Working Naked Day. There are so many benefits to working naked. What are some you ask?

Think about how many extra minutes of sleep you would get in a week since you wouldn't have to pick out an outfit.
Save money on doing laundry or even needing to buy work aprops clothes
You'll feel so relaxed your productivity will sky rocket!
Spontaneous bongo playing will occur. I don't know why this benefits anyone, but Matthew Mcconaughey suggested it.

Downsides

cold
you're naked

So I guess we'll have to weigh the pros and cons of this one

February 2 is Groundhog day!

Even if you aren't making it out to Punxsutawney to go hang with your good pal Phil there are still ways to celebrate! Why not get someone a Groundhogz day card....no one sells them you say? What say you! You are wrong good friend because your favorite neighborhood KU does! Get 'em while they're hawt!

Speaking of getting it while its hot, once again the day before Vday, sometimes affectionately referred to as VD, kicks off national flirting week! We're kind of pros at flirting here at KU so this year you're going to get a different mentor to get you through the Hunger Games we call dating...minus all the death....and children...and no one refers to dating as the Hunger Games. But they could! PS HAPPY ONE YEAR BLOGAVERSARY TO ME! Do we have a card for that? Probz.

Then the next day good ol'

VALENTINES DAY!!!

So whether you're one of these

Or you're a Taylor Swift romantic

Kards Unlimited will be unveiling their ...

ANNUAL VALENTINES DAY GIFT LIST!!!

Not sure what to get for that special someone?

Need the PERFECT card?

Need to get someone to find you even slightly desirable?

WE CAN DO ALL THAT!

So keep posted...

or be alone forever...

JK!LOLZ!

February 18 is Pluto day for all of us planetary fans.

The Pluto formerly known as a planet is pretty great despite its demotion.

WE LOVE SPACE

February also means one of my favorite times of the year

babies in cakes

booze

~~boobz~~

costumes

more cake

parades

beads

It's Mardi Gras!

Since I sadly won't be attending this year I will be celebrating...

National Margarita Day on the 22nd!!!!

I won't be able to get my margaritas to go like I was this time last year but I will most certainly do my part to keep this holiday going. Not sure how to make a good margarita? Come on down to our bar book section and get some help. You won't regret it, you might not eve remember it!

Additionally helping those of us now in New Orleans...

Open that Bottle Night on the 25th!

Same advice for Margarita Day applies.

I feel like we should rename February FEB-BREW-ARY

It would also help with pronunciation.

And last BUT MOST CERTAINLY NOT LEAST

its an effing LEAP YEAR THIS YEAR WHICH MEANS

FEBRUARY 29th

EXISTS!!

what the what?

The last time we got to indulge in a 29th of February was in 2008. Am I making that up? I dont think so!

REFRESH your memories of 2008

and look at this movie poster of leap year starring one of my best friends Amy Adams and my husband to be Matthew Goode.

So kiddos February is jam packed and I didn't even tell you what we're actually going to be blogging about!

The mystery is so magical!

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS TO.....

Ayn Rand 2-
James Joyce 2-
George Romero 4-
Laura Ingalls Wilder 7 -
Charles Dickens 7 -
Seth Green 8-
John Williams 8 -
Jules Verne 8 -
Thomas Edison 11 -
Judy Blume 12-
Charles Darwin 12-
Abraham Lincoln 12 -
Joseph Gordon Levitt 17-
Alan Rickman 21 -
Anais Nin 21-
Chopin 22-
Edna St. Vincent Millay 22-
Edward Gorey - 22
Handel 23 -
Victor Hugo 26-
Longfellow 27 -

So, About Mozart

2012-01-26T11:52:00.000-05:00

When I think of Mozart, my mind immediately jumps to a short repeating clip from the movie Amadeus:

Mozart is hunched over his pool table, surrounded by empty cocktail glasses, looking very much like an empty cocktail glass himself, and alternately writing on a piece of score paper or bouncing a cue ball around the table. He had a genius for music that all but a couple of dedicated curmudgeons acknowledge, and no small talent for living irresponsibly, drinking, and amassing debts. But we tend to forgive the bad behavior of the famous and talented, and Mozart deserves it as much as any.

To complete the image of a wunderkind crashing and burning, Mozart died after an illness at 35. I'm an continually disappointed that Saleri didn't poison him and then tend to his deathbed. But in the thirty years of his composing life -- because yes he started at five -- he wrote 626 catalogued pieces, among them 41 numbered symphonies and 20 operas. And within these works Mozart managed to both master the prevailing musical forms and open up an entire new era in classical music. Jeez.

Sometimes I forget how amazing it is that nearly everybody has heard the name of an Austrian composer from the late 18th century. Hell, tons of people can hum a little night music. He's still rippling.

Warning: this blog is more sexual in nature than usual. And it's not about food this time.

2012-01-20T10:32:00.001-05:00

Some people like to dip their eggs in their maple syrup at breakfast.
Some people like to salt their apples.
Some people like to watch tv on mute with the closed captioning on.
Some people brush their teeth 8 times a day.
Some people need their socks and their underwear to match.
Some people dont like to wear underwear.

Some people get their jollies from freaky freaky things.

Today is for you my freaky freaky friends! Tis International fetish day!

So when we think of fetish we think of strange things that people dig sexually whether it be with someone else or by ourselves (we'll get to it being self love month a little later on....) usually with something typically not inherently sexual (but what is inherently sexual??)

Let me hit you with the actual definitions of fetish

a : an object (as a small stone carving of an animal) believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner; broadly :a material object regarded with superstitious or extravagant trust or reverenceb : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotionc : an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression

: a rite or cult of fetish worshipers

: fixation

Now urbandictionary

A sexual fixation or obsession with a usually non-sexual object. EX. socks, horses, monkeys, pain, bondage

Holy sh*t those socks really get me turned on because of this sock fetish of mine. *Rubs socks on body*

2. (The good one) A sexual fixation(s) that usually differs from those of the standard population. In other words, something (sometimes totally unrelated to sex) that turns you on and that isn't enjoyed by the majority of people.

Foot fetishes, Infantilism, Vore, Macro, Furry, Vampirism, Necro, Bondage, Sadism, Masochism, Slavery... The sky's the limit

SO today rather than talking about some of my favorite fetishes Im going to talk about my personal feelings about fetishes mostly because if I talked about fetishes I don't think I would be allowed to post this. This is a family blog you know. I think that everyone has them. Yes, even you missionary man (take that in as many ways as you can) (ha) (see what I did there) (in like-three different ways)(ha, three different ways) (parentheses are fun). There are a few different ways fetishes get played out. In the same way that port cities made it so the gays could find each other back in the day, the interwebs is the new port city. Say you're really into Styrofoam. Or butter. Or gym shorts. Or classical music. Or feet. Or dressing up like a drag queen gummy bear. Or aqua erotics. Or trains. Or deciduous trees. Or wax. Instead of just praying that someday you meet someone who will whip out that Styrofoam mattress you can google it! Or find someone on craigslist who might not be into it but is into you being into it!

There are even conventions now for people like furries! Thank you pgh. But the moral is that these people probably found each other on the internet. And now its a thing!

So, there are the people who have fetishes that they find their fellow freak-a-leaks on the internet.

There are fetishes that people live with and never talk about but partake in when they're indulging in some self love. HAPPY SELF LOVE MONTH! Celebrate as frequently as possible! I know I have been.

There are people who marry that special someone because their fetishes match.

Then there fetishes that people repress and become harmful to society. I won't be getting into this because it's a happy blog. I also wont be discussing things that border on fetish but are also punishable by law that should not be indulged in. Just don't do it.

Then there are the fetishes that people pay people to partake in with them because they are too ashamed to look on the interwebs for other people into it and would rather have hooker-client confidentiality in place.

Yes hooker-client confidentiality is real.

Im using the word hooker not to put down sex workers but because the word hooker is humorous.

These are the types of fetishes I love.

Way back I read a memoir called I am Not Myself These Days. It made me want to become a hooker who specializes in crazy fetishes because most of these fetishes dont involve actually...you know...doing that thing that people associate with that line of work.

There were stories of CEOs hiring escorts to lock them in closets and verbally abuse them for days at a time starving them and feeding them drugs and getting RIDIC money to do it.

I can do that! I can feed someone drugs and verbally abuse them! Its just like college!

Just kidding. Maybe.

I feel like I would be pretty great at fetishes involving food. Or just people watching me eat. As long as I only had to eat vegetarian delights and dessert.

Or stalking. I could partake in some light or heavy stalking. I was the first to come of age in the facebook generation. We are taught to stalk. How hard can it be do transfer that to real life?

ps HAPPY STALKING MONTH! Enjoy! And if you dont I'll know....

So kids enjoy international fetish day. Go out this weekend and find yourself some lovin that gets your goat. But please don't get a goat.

Friday the 13th Is a Very Very Scary Day

2012-01-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

Beware. The day of dread has arrived. Friday the 13th, the unluckiest of all days, a coincidence of the intersecting periods of 7, 30, 31, and 365 that rule our calendar. This day has long been marked by such perils as car crashes, ankle twisting, pimples, and human spontaneous combustion. It is a result of the combination of 13, the most fearsome number other than 588,394 (you know why) and Friday, which most agree is just a bummer of a day. So close to Saturday, but you still have to go to work! And today is but the first of three -- three! -- Fridays the 13th this year. The Mayan's were onto something.

However, there are a large number of things a person can do to increase his or her general Luck Quotient, and attempt to counteract this horrifying, horrifying day. The first and simplest action is to carry a charm with you, and obsessively check to see if it's still in your pocket. Common charms include four-leaf clovers, horseshoes, coins that are bent or pierced, and very small Irishmen. By happenstance, Kards Unlimited would be happy to sell you any of these charms. Except the Irishmen, we're fresh out. I also suggest rubbing the stomachs of as many Buddhas as possible. We don't have any of those at the store either, but we have a pregnant Canadian, which has to be good for something. The stones Amber and Sapphire have also been credited with providing good luck to the wearer; amber is sunlight trapped in sap, which is obviously lucky, and sapphire is bluish, and I like the color blue. It's science.

But of course the very best measure to take to increase your luck and therefore safety is to patronize locally owned businesses. Duh.

Blame Someone Else Day!

2012-01-12T10:41:00.000-05:00

Dropped a vat of chocolate pudding on mom's new white chiffon couch? Clogged your neighbors toilet? Accidentally let your aunts cat choke on the brand new toe ring you stole from your sister? Lit your brothers bed on fire because he called you a 'stinky butt' ?

BLAME SOMEBODY ELSE FOOL. Whatever you do, DO NOT own up to any of those things. Especially today, the day of all days to blame somebody else for all of your follies and vices!

Think of all the times you got in trouble as a child, that time you broke that heirloom lamp your mom got from your GREAT. AUNT. PEG. Or that other time you dropped a full glass of red wine on your new white bed that your dad purchased for you with his once a year Christmas bonus. These situations would have normally ended in pain and displeasure!

OH BUT TODAY YOU ARE LUCKY MY FRIEND. The Gods are sweet and so am I because today is the day when you simply reply to the yelling and screaming with a quick I DIDN'T DO IT...BUT YOU KNOW WHO DID and then proceed to blame the closest person! If possible choose to blame any children or elderly that enter your sight.

Dont be fooled! This day isn't about getting other people in trouble, destroying valuable objects or hurting any one or any thing! This is a peaceful day of rest and relaxation. This is a day to lay the heavy heavy burden on somebody else. So when a day is turning out a little poopy, or you feel a little sad just turn your head and say....THIS AIN'T MY FAULT Y'ALL.

2012-01-10T20:21:00.007-05:00

Tea and all that goes with it is an art.

And I am a sophomore at art school who has an undying, throbbing love of tea. But, as a sophomore Ive lost that d-baggy-I- know-more-about-tea-than-you ,lay person who doesn't drink tea, mentality and Im now completely aware of how much I dont know about tea the more I learn about it and the more I drink it. I am humble. I am obsessed. I want it all the time and I will talk to you about it in the common room until 4am.

I never used to like tea. I used to think it was bitter, pointless and only good for old women. Much like how many view me now. Or maybe how I view myself now. Both? Either way I was not a fan. Tea was just tea. I knew it came in different colors like green and black and sometimes it was english and it was good for sore throats. People put lemon or honey in it. It tasted like bland ass unless it was iced and sugared. Iced tea was a delight. I would drink pitchers upon pitchers of iced tea throughout every season. Hot tea though? No bueno.

I don't know exactly when my love affair with tea started. I think it was probably in college when I started experimenting with....life things. Chai was a gateway drug. It started with chai lattes. Then straight chai. Then from there I started looking into the other 80 million flavors and types of tea. My pallet was starting to get wise. I never drank coffee and I wouldn't drink anything other than water because I was insane and if it had more calories than water it was too much for me, so tea was perfect. From spiced teas I moved onto herbal teas. Green teas. In argentina tea became a huge part of my life. It was social. My landlord would have us over for tea. I would get tea in various cafes throughout the day both hot and cold. Passing around yerba matte a few times during the day is part of the culture there. I wasn't a huge matte person but I started widening my tea scope and taking time to enjoy it throughout the day. Also, working in a cement office with no heat in the dead of winter really made me appreciate tea while it was still hot. Constantly traveling toward the end, I started pouring hot water over cinnamon and making my own poor girl teas. Prior to that I was a tea at night or tea in the morning but not really throughout the day kind of person. I started taking my tea with a little milk, occasionally some sugar if I was feeling saucy. I started savoring my tea. I started getting into different teas for healing different ailments. Stress relievers, sleepy time teas, balance your lady hormones tea, tea for your liver, tea for good cell regeneration. My dad was a pusher of eastern medicine and herbal teas so tea as a healer was always part of my definition of tea.

Loose leaf, bags, unbleached bags, proper mugs, thermoses sent from the heavens, brewing systems: tea, like anything wonderful, has accessories galore. Keeping tea hot if hot tea is what you want can change your life. I frequently nurse my beverages so I was used to drinking tea hot in the beginning and luke warm toward the end. When tea stays hot all day...when it fogs up your glasses when you go to sip it even though you made it hours ago ITS MAGICAL. Hot, properly steeped has the ability to put me in a good mood even when I catch a bit of Sad Dollism. Tea with cookies and cakes or little sandwiches, tea by itself, tea with honey or fancy honey, tea with sugar, tea with milk, cream or almond milk, Red teas, white teas, ROOIBOS (my recent favorite) black teas, herbal teas, flowering teas, green teas, herbal teas, flavored teas. There are so many options to staying warm and fuzzy inside.

If you're already a big tea fan we have a few different brands in every flavor you could everimagine. If you're looking to get yout tea knowledge on or plan some hot tea parties we have some pretty fabulous books for you to check out! If you're looking to get converted you can pretty much talk to anyone who works at KU and we can help you find your path to tea loving. Plus its winter. Come in and pick out your perfect tea or let us help you, find yourself a good book to get into and curl up to stay warm!

HAPPY HOT TEA MONTH!!!

Soup. Oh, Soup.

2012-01-10T09:15:00.005-05:00

Soup is the greatest thing humanity has ever been blessed with. It rocks. I have never sat down to a meal, seen that soup was involved, and said "Man, I wish I didn't have to eat this soup." It's usually more along the lines of "Man! I get to eat this soup!

There is not a major region of humanity that has not developed soup. Our species is destined to soup. Soupiness is next to godliness.

There is never a bad time for soup. I've been semi-hibernating since November and have taken most of my meals in liquid form, preferably potato-based. It's like a blanket for your insides. (Check out the Heart of Pittsburgh cookbook for a great recipe for a massive quantity of Carrot and Potato soup. Do it now.) And in a few months we'll all be sweating profusely and desperate for Gazpacho. (By the way, the Heinz Tomato Ketchup Cookbook has an awesome gazpacho recipe. Just saying.)

I literally cannot conceive of a meal which I would not rather eat with a spoon, that simplest and most elegant of utensils. A meal with steak should always be a stew. Chicken just tastes better when surrounded by chicken broth -- chicken within chicken. Black beans are lovely on their own, but why not boil them out a little longer, add hot sausage, and get down with your tasty self. Add sour cream to taste.

If fact, you can do just about anything you want with soup. Recipes tend to be basic and leave giant realms of seasonings and garnishes to be explored, experimented with, and perfected. The world is your oyster. Soup.

God I love soup.

A Genius in A Nutshell

2012-01-08T12:16:00.003-05:00

"Hello, I'm Stephen Hawking. My brain could kick your brain's ass! COME AT ME, BRO!"

Yesterday was the 70th birthday of the one of the greatest men alive, Stephen Hawking. For a man who was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease at the age of 21, a disease that claims most lives only a few years after diagnosis, He's done pretty well for himself. He's the Director of Research at the Institute for Theoretical Cosmology at Cambridge (and former Lucasian Professor of Mathematics), holds 12 honorary degrees, a CBE, is a fellow of the Royal Society, a Member of the US National Academy of Science, holds the Presidential Medal of Freedom (which is the highest civilian award in the US), wrote a few little books (you may have heard of them, A Brief History of Time, The Universe in a Nutshell, The Grand Design), has appeared on such shows as The Simpsons and Star Trek: The Next Gen, and is one of the most brilliant theoretical physicist this side of Einstein.

In my research for this blog, I've discovered that a lot of people don't realize that Stephen is British. That is mainly because of the the computer he uses for his speaking voice. He's said, "One's voice is very important. If you have a slurred voice, people are likely to treat you as mentally deficient. This synthesiser is by far the best I have heard, because it varies the intonation, and doesn't speak like a Dalek. The only trouble is that it gives me an American accent." LOLZ! Oh Stephen, you crack me up!

For his 70th Birthday, there was a symposium held in his honor. Unfortunately, he was too ill to attend but watched it being streamed live... in fact anyone could watch the webcast! I missed it but I'm hoping it'll be transferred online soon.

Hawking in zero G... I'm so freaking jealous!

Did you know that in 2007, Stephen Hawking came close to his dream of space travel by trying out zero gravity? After he landed, he said "Space, Here I Come!"

Recently he told New Scientist magazine that there is only one enduring mystery of the universe he has found impossible to crack: Women.


Stephen Hawking: Ladies Man

Also, when asked 'If you were a young physicist just starting out today, what would you study?' He replied "I would have a new idea that would open up a new field." Oh, that Mr. Hawking, always hamming it up!

Stephen is currently accepting applications for a graduate assistant... IIIIIEEEEEE!!!!! Instead of filling out the standardized application form, I decided to creatively express my qualifications through the exquisite art of stick figure drawing...

I think I got a good chance of getting an interview... Finger's crossed!

I think one of the most important things that Stephen has done is to make physics comprehensible to the masses. Just about everyone I know has a copy of A Brief History of Time. How understandable does he make science seem? Here's a video of kids recapping one of his articles on time travel...

So, Happy Birthday Mr. Hawking! Thank you for sharing your powerful and expansive mind with the us. We are lucky to be granted the privilege of living in your time.

Ahhhh Yeah!

Twelfth Night; or, What You May Perhaps Kinda Sorta Will

2012-01-05T16:16:00.002-05:00

The wassail began to go to their heads... and then things got weird.

I'll admit, when I hear the words Twelfth Night, I immediately think of Shakespeare's comedy Twelfth Night; or What You Will. Little did I know that Twelfth Night was actually a holiday in it's own right.

On Twelfth Night, you celebrate the end of the holiday season, and in the Catholic religion, this also marks the beginning of Carnival. In medieval England, that meant partying like it was 1599. It was it's own mini-mardi gras kick off party! There was food, drink, self-indulgence (hmmm, sounds like most weekends at my house) and general merry making. Twelfth Night is a night of reversals, at the beginning of the night, a cake would be made that would contain one bean, and the person who ended up with that bean would be the ruler of the feast for the night. This is where the tradition of the Mardi Gras King Cake hails from. Catholics also recognize Twelfth Night as being the Eve of the Epiphany, which was the day a certain baby in a manger received a visit from some traveling genius's, who gave him some wicked awesome gifts. (I think that's how the story goes, it's been quite awhile since my catechism classes)

"Seriously, Balthazar, we've passed that star 5 times already. I'm pulling over and asking for directions!"

Shakespeare wrote Twelfth Night; or, What You Will as Twelfth Night entertainment. The play focuses on the theme of reversals: a woman pretending be a man, a steward thinking that he could be a nobleman, etc. Shakespeare had planned on just calling the comedy What You Will, but as happens too often, a play with the same title premiered while Shakespeare was writing his. So I'm sure Shakespeare said "Eff this, I'll stick Twelfth Night on the front and call it done." And so it was.

Oh Shakespeare, you so funny!

Some people see Twelfth Night as the night to take down Christmas decorations. Supposedly, it's bad luck to keep them up after the 6th. I don't know about you, but I didn't get my decorations up until Christmas Eve eve. No way I'm taking them down now! They'll stay up until my potted Christmas tree died from dehydration... last year, I believe that was April.

Now THAT'S what I call dedication!

So, if you're not too tired from Christmas and New Year's parties, why not celebrate Twelfth Night? Keep that buzz going... like you need an excuse! ^_^

Haaaa, Did You See That?

2012-01-03T15:45:00.008-05:00

Welcome, friends, to Some Day We'll Laugh About This Week. The observance of this now classic tradition began in 1788 when noted revolutionary-era curmudgeon Vernon Smith-Cadwell slipped and fell on his way to church, bruising his coccyx and forcing him to endure the admonitions of his pastor whilst wearing moist underwear. After a solid week of prickliness and passive-aggression, neighbors and townsfolk banded together to share with Vernon stories of their own foibles and embarrassments, so that he might stop taking it out on everyone else.

Since that blustery New England January so many years ago, families and groups of friends across the nation have cherished the first week of every year, when over bowls of the traditional squirrel goulash they rehash the embarrassing events of the past year, and have a good chuckle.

The plague of self-importance and over-seriousness has been spreading prodigiously in this brave new world since the turn of the century. Information travels unfathomably fast, and practical jokes like "the Internet" can leave even the most inconsequential of human beings feeling "plugged-in" and "necessary."

In times like these, the yearly celebration of "Some Day We'll Laugh About This" is more important than ever. I urge you to take a little time each day this week to recall some of your sillier moments over the last twelves months with a giggle. Did you drink until you hit on your 65 year old neighbor? Hilarious! Have you spent hours brooding over why that girl from the coffee shop never called you back? No one likes you anyway! Were there days you refused to get out of bed because the weight of the world was too much? What a fool!

If you take one thing away from this magical week, it is this: You aren't special; all your harshest embarrassments and grandest achievements will be forgotten; you are one of more than seven billion people on this planet, and most of them probably wouldn't like you much anyway; relax

J. D. Salinger: Grumpy, Grumpy

2012-01-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

J. D. Salinger, by many accounts, was kind of a dick. He spent decades as a recluse in New Hampshire, chasing away fans and young writers coming to him for advice and guidance. He constantly changed religions -- mostly Eastern -- and required his family to switch with him. He wrote mercenary letters to young women, some of who decided they had fallen in love with him; Joyce Maynard left Yale and a scholarship at 18 to move in with the 53 year old Salinger after exchanging 25 letters. In 1955 Salinger insisted his then-wife Clare drop out of Radcliffe, four months shy of her graduation. He purportedly wielded dictatorial power over his female companions. Some have claims these reports to be greatly exaggerated -- Maynard has been attacked for pettiness and misrepresentation in her memoir of her relationship with Salinger, and Matt Salinger has denied the veracity of his sister's memoir of their father -- but after reading, and rereading, all of Salinger's published work, I get the feeling he probably was that awful.

It's a bit of a pattern for me. It seems that many if not all of my favorite writers were assholes. Hunter Thompson cheated on his wives as often as he could, let himself get swallowed up in playing a character, and was by all accounts the least temperate man in history. I feel dirty just mentioning Charles Bukowski, without listing individual transgressions. Michael Chabon apparently hospitalized himself the night before his child's birth -- four times in a row. Even Kurt Vonnegut, America's grandfather, was unsparingly cold to his children, a la Felix Hoenikker.

When I first started digging around for memoirs and biographies of Salinger, reading Maynard's book because it was the only one in the library at the time, I was shocked that he could be such an asshole. His books might have lacked warmth, but always contained at least a healthy measure of begrudging compassion. Holden Caulfield, sick of phonies and phonier then sin himself, still had the humanity to get riled at the graffiti in Phoebe's school potentially ruining her innocence. Buddy Glass, a weak and broken man, felt at least the desire to do well by the people in his life, even if their main action is disapproving of their sister's wedding to his older brother Seymour. And Seymour, oh Seymour, the most important figure in all of Salinger's writings. In the one story in which he appears alive, and not in his brother's reminiscences, he speaks with such sweetness to that child on the beach. Then that other thing happens.

I should've understood how this could be from the beginning, but it took a rereading of Catcher in the Rye for me to really get a handle on it. I first read it in high school, as the majority of American youngsters did, and liked it ok, though it was Franny and Zooey that really hooked me. I picked the book up a second time halfway though college on a break at home, because I finished whatever book I'd brought with me and it was close at hand, and I finally noticed the dialect it was written in. I had no idea that someone far from his own teen years could so completely capture the voice of a kid that age. The repetitions that pepper the narration, including but not limited to the words "phony" and "damn," weren't lazy writing, they were accurate to how people speak. The affectations of disinterest don't make Holden Caulfield unlikable -- they make him a teenager. What Salinger had done with this book was not just throw his voice but completely abandon it in favor of a distasteful one, not because it made it more pleasurable to read but because it was closer to the truth. Holden remains one of the best unreliable narrators I can think of.

Salinger did us a favor, then, by removing himself from the public sphere as completely as he did. He saves us from the mentally exhausting task of matching the man with the books. It seems likely that he knew he could do nothing worse for his works than speak in public, or let the public know anything about him. It is evident from the way in which he wrote that he wanted the narrators and characters to carry as little baggage beyond the page as possible. So I choose to think as little about Salinger the man as possible. Being an asshole is nothing special. Writing what he did is.

Hold onto your knit hats it's January again!

2012-01-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

If you're reading this it means none of us are dead yet.....

JUST KIDDING!

fakeMayan Doomsday isn't until December 21, 2012 so you have a whole year to keep reading our blog and chuckling heartily to yourself in front of your computer! You're welcome.

January might have some of the most spectacular eccentric holidays all year in addition to the regular amount of cool kid birthdays. What a great way to start the year!

We are getting hot in hurr if you catch my drift. Three ways. Oh three ways.

No not those three ways. There are three ways we're getting hot in here this month of January! Enero. the month of Janus the Roman god of doors and gates the MOST INTERESTING GOD OF ALL. Kind of.

If there is one thing we know about and love and talk too much about it would be tea. We love tea. We love our tea hot (unless its iced tea season). We like our tea to stay hot. We maybe each now have really intense thermoses that we carry around all day and brag about how hot our tea still is. We like our tea so hot and delicious and perfectly steeped. So it's only right that we are celebrating

!!National Hot Tea Month!!

We love to drink tea.

We love all teas .

You like loose leaf? We have it!

You need a diffuser? Oh yes we have those!

You like bagged tea? WE HAVE ZILLIONS. Have you seen our tea selection lately?

No? But you want to? Okay!

Reds, blacks, greens, flavors of all kinds. Oh. My.

Secret sharing time: I am currently obsessed with our Almond Vanilla Tea . Sometimes I put a spot of vanilla almond milk in it.

A love letter to Rudolph

2011-12-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Rudolph, I watched your special last night, and it made me want to share some thoughts:

1st Is it wrong to find Clarice sexy? If so, I don't want to be right. She reminds me of the "other girl" in White Christmas (another fave) a beautiful, sweet voiced, slender ankled, Christmas fairy. And,on the same subject, is it wrong to say "Clarice" in a Hannibal Lecter voice, while tenting your fingers and raising your eyebrow? The answer may be yes, but it is a secret Christmas joy of Kards Unlimited.

2nd What is better than Yukon Cornelius list of life sustaining supplies? "Cornmeal, gunpowder, ham hocks, and guitar strings." At least he has his priorities straight. And, man, does he rock the stache!

3rd The ruler of the island of misfit toys name is King Moonracer. I don't know why I never noticed this before. But it is lovely and poetic. And ps. finding homes for misfit toys would be a good job for me. Oh wait, I already have a good job!
While we are discussing the island of misfit toys, has everyone realized the sweet little girl dolly is a misfit because she has CRIPPLING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS?!! I kid you not, look it up. Pretty heavy shiz for a kids Christmas special! When she says "I dont have any dreams left to dream" I always cry, buckets. I'm crying right now, just thinking about it. And another thing, why don't I have an adorable spotted elephant, or a water pistol that shoots jelly? Cutest toys EVER!

4th Have you heard about the dimwit who is protesting Rudolph because he says it promotes bullying? This made national news! Has he actually watched it? If there is anything that proves that bullying is wrong more than Rudolph, I'd like to know what it is. Our bullied friends, Rudolph and Hermey, are hailed as heroes, save the day, and get the girl. (well, Rudolph gets the girl. I always imagine Hermey making another lifestyle choice. The dimwits of the world will probably be protesting that, next) People need to get out more....

5th Every year I find this Christmas special to be as enchantingly magical as I did when I was a child. The message is important and beautiful, the artistry is still pretty jaw dropping (the scenes with the northern lights, especially) the songs are both Holly, Jolly, and memorable. The fact that Rudolph was created in 1964 (four years before I was created) amazes me. Along with the Grinch, this is one Christmas special that really stands the test of time. I cant wait to watch it with my beautiful nieces, and my nephew to be. Christmas is so wonderful.........SOB!

I want all of those things - KU GIFT LIST ACTIVATE!

2011-12-13T10:32:00.000-05:00

There are a baker's dozen days till Christmas and only 8 days till the festival of lights and latkes - which means if you haven't started already, START MAKING THAT LIST because you have to check it at least twice and you know you're going to get too distracted watching holiday specials and that double check is going to get put till the last minute.

To get you started we've compiled a list of some of our own favorite things. We have a RIDONKULOUS amount of new products in on top of our obscene amount of awesome goods that we always have SO this is going to be a mini version of all the things I....we....you? actually want. So dont fret my pets, there is pleanty more where all of this is going to come from.

Lets start with the kiddies and the geeks -

This is something I didnt know I was going to be as excited about as I am

How Fing cool is this??

Still not convinced?

Right??

And thenn.....

If you dont already have kids these products are probs making you give it thought, right? Being able to spawn things that can grow up on books like these? maybe?

Obviously we also have a million other Star Wars and Star Trek goodies for all ages. Beautiful books, lunch boxes, mugs, shot glasses, COOKBOOKS yes you heard me right. Even cookie jars! I need to stop talking about cookies. Or do I?

What do you get for your special someone or your mom or that next door neighbor who loves to cook or eat or do aything of the like? Why, you buy the every single one of the cool cookbooks we carry! We have a veggie burger book that I cant really get into here because it will get too intense, but our selection is wide and varied and we have evertything for every taste. I happen to think these are some of our coolest new books

Whether the person you're into just wants to make chocolate chip cookies or learn how to can and pickle things and preserve or perhaps only eat bacon everyday for the rest of their lives, we''ve got everything on your list!

Oh hey everything Bacon you could ever need, I didnt see ya there.

So some people are really into Bacon. Other people are really into relaxing.

You just read the most horrible segue on earth. You're welcome.

But srsly-I plan on buying twelve of each of these. Aromatherapy is so hot.

Who doesn't need a healing shower?

For those who like to relax in a different way....

Okay so now Im just going to start showing you some of of my favorite things because you're probably sick of my commentary

COOL THINGS FOR ERRYBODY READY GO

CUFFLINKS ARE CLASSY AND COOL

and better than another tie or pair of argyle socks....

iphones are the greatest. why not make it purrty? and why not prepare your favorite iphone users for the ridiculous texts they will be sending and receiving due to autocorrect?

mugs!

unique and beautiful jewelry you want want to buy me!

ps we have pretty much every stone and gem and design you could ever want so you should probably come in and look at our jewelry cubes because they'll blow yer mind

make your baby the cutiest!

buy awesome newly released books that we all want to read and old awesome books we STILL want to read!

Make the babies in your life say sassy funny things because soon they will be making their own words and they will not be sassy yet. They will just be sounds. Sounds that mean feed me or Im sad or Im still learning about motor functions <drool>

oh hai adorable Curly Girl Designs wine glasses and candles and cute jars that make perfect presents for your sister or your biffle or your mom

Collectible Wizard of Oz and Peanuts figurines and snow globes? YES

Pug or Taz or Betty Boop Salt and Pepper Shakers? YES

THESE ARE FLYING OFF THE SHELVES. STILL!

Don't be the only person in the world who hasn't read them before the movies come out!

You got some film lovers in your life? Maybe you should get something like this for them!

OR you could get them a Film Festival in a Box! This is a gift for you and for them because you can accidentally go over their house when they want to watch them. Don't tell them that when you get it for them though.

We all need a bit of this.

Smart geeky mugs!

Urban gardening in your home? What? You want fresh lavender growing in a bag in your house?

What a great idea!

I know I've already talked about Mighty Wallets but they're too cool to stop talking about!

ADORABLE GOODS FOR YOUR PETS!

We love pets so you should probably bring them in and let them pick out their own gifts so they won't have to come back and return them. Then let them into our backroom to take a snuggle nap with me.

PETER PAUPER PENS and stationary and journals that all match who wouldn't want all of these things? We also have Fisher Space Pens and lots of other fancy shmancy pens for the pen lovers in your life. How many times can I say pen?

So come into our lovely store and start hunting for holiday presents for you and yer kin!

There are a zillion more things to see such as this book that you should buy me in addition all of our other funny books that I want.

So maybe i'll do a part deux. Or maybe you should just come in and see. Im leaving you with an early holiday gift.

The Hanson brothers in holiday sweaters.

you're welcome. again.

Happy Birthday Ole Blue Eyes, You Croonin' Son-Of-A-Gun!

2011-12-08T11:32:00.002-05:00

what a handsome trouble-maker!

Today is the birthday of a gin lovin', slow singin' fancy man named Frank Sinatra! Born December 12th 1915 in New Jersey to Italian immigrants this blue eye'd baby was a kicker from the beginning! He was expelled from high school at an early age and then occupied odd jobs until he discovered something that would completely change this rowdy Italians life forever! (and mine) Sexy Sexy Jazz music! Sinatra was captivated by music and soon began to sing around his neighborhood in exchange for tips, like a musical prostitute! BADABOOM! one for Mary, zero for Frank!

You know that Sinatra never learned to read music? He was that much of a bad ass, although in his later years this would become somewhat of a problem....something that further demonstrates the stubborn nature of our good friend Frankie. Sinatra was known for his stubborn ego and his temper. These are not among his better qualities but are widely viewed as his most dominating personality features. He was still sexy though.

Frankie and Ava Gardner (Wife #1)

Good Ole' Boy and Mia Farrow (Wife #2)

Baby Blues and Barbara Marx (Wife #3)

Sinatra's career hit peaks and lows over the next 50 years or so, he was known for bouts of depression and mood swings. He was married three times to three lovely ladies and had NUMEROUS NUMEROUS affairs before, during, and after his marriages. He was the ultimate ladies man, hell, this feminist would put up with his torrential mood swings for a little Sinatra snuggle time.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART! Rat Pack time! God, the sex appeal, the raw talent, the giggling, Peter Lawford being sexy but not included that often! What glory! Sammy David Jr. snapping photos, being Jewish, Frankie sippin gin, lookin' for a new lady love/luck! The Las Vegas strip! Drinks with some old Italian crooks! THOSE WERE THE DAYS I TELL YOU. Buy me a gold lamé dress, curl my hair and get me a pointed bra. I'm off to Vegas in the 60's to see my good ole boys perform!

Silly Sammy!

Oh Peter Peter Peter! You were the best.

Yo Pop's love dat beard!

Now I'll answer the question ya'll have been dying to ask! YES FRANK SINATRA MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE PROBABLY HAD SOME MOB TIES! The FBI kept a personal file on Frank Sinatra for 40 years, during this time they closely followed all of his actions. The information was released to the public in 1998, through this his extra marital affairs were exposed, ties to the Communist Party (TEAM KARL!) and some very raunchy cell phone pictures (one of those statements was a lie!) heehee.

So what have we learned here ladies and gents? Frank was a musical genius? yes. He was a member of the incredibly slick and good looking rat pack? yes. He had numerous affairs and marriages with sexy ladies? yes. He was a little cranky? maybe. He was sexy for a good portion (not the last part) of his life? yes.

Happy Birthday Frankie! Drinks on me!

INTERNATIONAL NINJA DAY HIYA

2011-12-05T11:25:00.000-05:00

So today is international ninja day. As a retired ninja myself, I'm aware of the seriousness of such a day. With this seemingly never ending pirate craze going the ninja has remained superior. When pirates are getting drunk and making major motion pictures the ninja waits to pounce. The ninja has no affiliation with kung fu panda or jack black. The ninja mentally spits on them but not physically because 1. its not very ninja like. 2. The ninjas mask prevents him from committing such an impulsive act out of distaste even in the heat of the moment. The ninja becomes the heat of the moment.

International ninja day falls toward the end of cookie cutter week. Why is this important? Because then you get slapped with a little bit of THIS. HIYA!

What better way to celebrate cookie cutter week and international ninja day??

The answer: there is absolutely NO better way.

None.

Happy International Ninja Day!!!

Bathtub party day

2011-12-02T14:24:00.000-05:00

Bathtub Party Day Directions

Step one: find a friend. Not just any friend. The special kind of friend. The kind you speak the international language with.

Step two: Draw a hot bath.

Step three: Add bubbling bath

Step four: Light candles

Step five : Apply lip balm and body butter. Remove clothes of you and your guest.

Step six: Kiss

Step seven: .......

Happy Bathtub party day courtesty of Tokyo Milk and Kards Unlimited

you know December is the best month right?

2011-12-01T10:02:00.000-05:00

It's the MOST, WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! ! !

and its not even my birthday

It's already December, is't that cra cra? The year is coming to a close, but we still have one more JAM PACKED month of KU events and birthdays and goodies before we slide into 2012 full speed - FULL. SPEED. Like jungle cats and the year 2012 is a gazelle.

First and very very importantly -

COOKIE CUTTER WEEK

If you've been following the blog at all you may have picked up on a love of all things food related on my part. So, obviously you'll excuse/allow/enjoy/hahayoudonthaveachoice me thinking that the best part of cookie cutter week is the fact that it involves making cookies! Cookies that you can eat! Cookies that you will then bring into my(our) place of work and feed to me because its only right if you buy your cookie cutters with us because a sista has to put on weight for the winter. Do you really want me to not look like a bear for the holidays?

ANYWAYZ

I am understanding of those of you who might just want to sit around and look at your cookie cutters during cookie cutter week. Or collect them. I once had an unsharpened pencil collection that no one understood because there was nothing special about a basic number two pencil. It was special to me. It was special to me.

Back to cookie cutters...

We've got everything you could ever want from your wonderful beautiful traditional kind (holiday and non)

And then we've got your non traditional that are equally awesome

And then....

Imagine that cookie in a shape of a ninja....or a tree....or a high heel.

So while you're eating your cookies and feeling really grateful that you bought it at KU because you got to talk to your favorite sales folk in Shadyside why not celebrate national salesperson day on December 9 with us?

Then long awaited Dewey Decimal System day is on the 10th!

Since we're all a bunch of book geeks here, libraries are one of the most important places in the world and 2 out of my 2 friends are librarians this is an important day! Remember when you had to use the card catalog before those damn fangled computers? THOSE WERE THE DAYZ.

December means holidaze galore. We will be celebrating all 5 of the most important ones. Which 5 do you ask?

Winter SOLSTICE and yule

HANUKKAH

FESTIVUS

CHRISTMAS

and BOXING DAY!

The rest of the month is pretty great too. Get ready for some holiday gift lists, cross word puzzles, BATH TUB PARTIES, chocolate covered anything, JANE AUSTIN, TINTIN and BACON!

oh and tomorrow is Britney Spears' birthday....

yes it's getting a place in this blog because I say so.

Who could ask for anything more?

Notable December Birthdays!

Britney Spears 2 -
Frank Sinatra - 12
Jane Austen- 16
Philip K Dick - 16
Brad Pitt - 18
Steven Spielberg - 18
Rudyard Kipling - 30
Giacomo Puccini- 22
Stephanie Meyer - 24
David Sedaris - 26
Rudyard Kipling - 30

November 29th: Random Day on the Calendar or BEST DAY EVER?

2011-11-29T16:05:00.000-05:00

"So, what's with November 29th?" you may ask. "Why is it so special?" Well, my intrepid readers, not only is this day the birthday of one of Kards Unlimited most adorable employees (ahem, yours truly... and yes, you can still be considered adorable at the age of 30), it's also the birthdays of some pretty great writers of ALL TIME!

Let's kick off the Sagittarian-fest chronologically, shall we?

My eyes pierce through your soul

Firstly, it's the birthday of Louisa May Alcott, the author of Little Women. She was born in 1832 and Little Women was loosely based on her childhood with her three sisters. Like her character Jo, she was the second daughter of the family AND a total tomboy. Her stories helped to support the Alcott family. Unlike Jo, she never married and explained her "spinsterhood" in an interview "because I have fallen in love with so many pretty girls and never once the least bit with any man." She also became an advocate for women and was the first woman to register to vote in Concord, Massachusetts, in a school board election. Talk about one strong woman, "I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." True That, Sister!

Pshaw... MY eyes are piercier.

November 29th, is also the birthday of C.S. Lewis. You know, the guy that wrote The Chronicles of Narnia. THAT C.S. LEWIS. Did you know that Lewis was friends with J.R.R. Tolkien? They both taught at Oxford and were part of the literary group, the Inklings. (I'm hard pressed trying to start a book club, let alone a literary group). It boggled my mind when I discovered that he had been an aethist who went through a slow conversion to Chritianity with the help of his best buddy, J.R.R. Tolkien. And here's the ironic thing, when C.S. Lewis wrote the first book of the series, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Tolkien didn’t think very highly of it. First, he thought that the Christian themes and messages were far too strong, he didn’t approve of the way Lewis seemed to beat the reader over the head with such obvious symbols. So, you can imagine that their friendship from that point was strained. Still, The Chronicles of Narnia are great for young fantasy readers, and are a great gateway series in such works as, oh say, Lord of the Rings.

Puhleaze... I don't need to pierce to see your soul.

Lastly, November 29th is the birthday of Madelien L'Engle, author of A Wrinkle in Time. She strove to include in her work many concepts that exist in modern science, WHICH BLEW MY MIND AS A KID! The concepts of infinity, time, and tesseracts, coupled with fate and intuition had never before been so simple! Not gonna lie, The Time Quartet series helped mold my love of Science-Fiction. It is in her books I learned that a straight line is not the shortest distance between two points. Although many of her works of fiction are classified as being for children and young adults, she never consciously writes for children. According to L'Engle, she writes about what interests her. “You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children."

These three authors all share the same birthday, that's gotta say something for November 29th. GO, you birthday soulmates, GO!

And now (because every time I think of The Chronicles of Narnia, I think of this), for your viewing pleasure:

Jon Stewart

2011-11-28T14:37:00.000-05:00

Over the last decade, Jon Stewart has done something quite amazing. He started as a comedian, and managed to become an incredibly important part of our national psyche, or at least the psyche of our youthful liberals. I’m thinking right now about an article written by Tom Junod over the summer, which I spent a good couple days reading and rereading. The article was, to say the least, none too complimentary of Stewart. Allow me a block quote, and please, read it in the dismissive and insulted tone in which the entire article was written:

“Kids who couldn't sleep at night worrying that their president was a bad guy and that their country was doing bad things could now rest easy knowing that their president was just a dick, and that their country, while stupid, was still essentially innocent. It was like you could get upset about what was going on but still live your life, because there was Jon Stewart right before bedtime, showing you how to get upset entertainingly, how to give a shit without having to do anything about it.”

I mentioned tone specifically because out of context I would say that this is a pretty good explanation of how and why Jon Stewart rose to the considerable heights he now resides on. The Bush years, for those of us entering adolescence and young adulthood with a generally liberal mindset, were horrifying. As soon as we became able to understand even the smallest bit of the world at large, we were smacked with September 11th, the purest example of anti-American world sentiment I can think of, followed quickly by the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, pure examples of the entitlement of the first world in relation to everybody else, the weak, poor, and brown. And we were adolescent; teenagers are one gigantic raw nerve. Everything always feels like life or death, and in the context of the decade, there was little reason for us to think we were wrong. So naturally we latched to a man who could tell us what was going on in a way that didn’t make us want to crawl under the bed and weep. It’s the beauty of comedy that it allows us to get a handle on things that feel and in many way are much, much too big.

I take particular umbrage to the statement what this type of “giving a shit” is attached to not having to do anything about it. My age group, if I’m not mistaken, has taken to polls in increasing numbers each election since Stewart’s “Crossfire” appearance in 2004, when he first broke from being simply a comedian to being someone who can laugh and care at the same time. To see that it is possible to be that type of person meant something to me. I doubt it was just me. Jon Stewart catches flack because he is no one thing. He is a comedian, of course, but he is also an advocate, and that’s okay. He’s goofy, but cares very deeply, and that’s okay, too.

I enjoy Jon Stewart. He lets me laugh when things seem too heavy to bear. It’s no small feat.

IF I WANNA FLOSS I GOT MY OWN

2011-11-25T08:44:00.000-05:00

I'm lookin like Madonna but I'm flossing like Ivana Trump - Kreayshawn

If I wanna floss I got my own - Jennifer Lopez

We flying the first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy - Fergie

OH HEY YO It's flossing day!

So for most of the world, flossing day is that special day when you need to grab some of that string stuff and throw it between a few molars and incisors. Get in those gums and get out those little treats of food you left for later. ESPECIALLY since yesterday was thanksgiving and you probz had some corn. Just saying. For me it also means this. Let me consult the Urban Dictionary:

flossin
	showing off. stuntin'. comes from the imagery of showing off your grill. you bare your teeth as if you were in front of a mirror flossing. thus showing off your grill came to be known as flossing and flossing came to mean showing off in general go listen to some rap, youll hear an example of someone using flossin sooner or later So kids, clearly this day is even better than you originally thought! There's a hood aspect to this day that delights me. On the the better known version of flossing I think it says a lot about a person. Flossing is that extra step in dental health that means you really care. Or perhaps you have gums that eat everything you do. Or perhaps you are a bit OCD. Almost a year ago I decided I wanted to be the type of person who flosses. I was trying to make life changes and decided if I could maintain being the type of person who flosses everyday that it would make me a better person in general and mean that I could in fact dedicate myself to something. That I could be part of the elite group of people who remember to go the extra mile. I made it almost a year until poverty and forgetfulness causes me to fall off the flossing wagon for a month. WOMP WOMP. But wait! Im back on the wagon. What does this mean about me? I don't know it means I forgot to buy floss but Im still part of the elite. So this day may not mean much to you but maybe you could have your own flossing new years resolution but make it today because who wants to wait till new years to have a clean grill to show off. Or mean mug with. You should also probably start flossin' because the holiday season is upon is and you have to look fly. Also if being elite and awesome isn't reason enough for you to start flossing maybe these are!

Happy Flossing Day!

Happy birthday, Frances Hodgson Burnett! (Sincerely, My Inner Child.)

2011-11-23T09:42:00.000-05:00

Frances Eliza Hodgson Burnett, known today for her beautiful stories of children who learn to find their way in the face of change and adversity, was born on this day in 1849. Thanksgiving also happens to fall on her birthday this year, which makes me extra happy, because one of her lovely children's novels has had a huge impact on my life and today I can express my gratitude.

Her childhood reads much like one of her novels: She was born into a well-off family in Manchester, England, but a series of misfortunes including her father's death eventually left the Hodgsons in poverty, living in a log cabin outside of Knoxville, Tennessee. She had an active imagination and a love of storytelling. She began writing stories for magazines at 17, and by the age of 20 she had earned enough money from her writing to move her family into a better home.

She married Swan Burnett in 1873, and supported him with her own income as a writer. The couple had two sons; the elder, Lionel, died of tuberculosis in 1890, sending Burnett into a depression that would persist throughout her life. She divorced her husband in 1898, and later lived with, married, and a divorced a man ten years her junior.

She is best remembered for three novels written for and about children, all of which began as serials in magazines and explore themes that she encountered in her own childhood: losing parents, adapting to new environments, and discovering inner strength.

Her first novel for children, Little Lord Fauntleroy, was an immensely popular rags-to-riches story about a poor New York boy who inherits an Earldom in England. By his innocent, trusting nature, he teaches his stodgy grandfather, the Earl, how to be deserving of the boy's admiration. The book established Burnett's reputation and career as a writer for children, and has been called "the Harry Potter of [its] time" for the loving characterization of Cedric Fauntleroy (based on Burnett's own son Vivian) and the scope of its popularity.

A Little Princess, serialized in 1888 and expanded into a novel in 1905, follows bright, sweet, creative Sara Crewe as she descends into poverty and servitude after the death of her wealthy father. Sara survives with the help of the people whose loyalty she earns and by her own pluck and grace.

But it's her 1911 novel The Secret Garden, largely overlooked during Burnett's career, that has such tremendous meaning for me. It's the story of Mary Lennox, a thin, pale, obstinate, disagreeable ten-year-old who is abandoned in India by the household servants after her unaffectionate parents die in a cholera epidemic. She is sent to Yorkshire to live in her morose uncle's gloomy manor, where she soon learns that the English country servants are nowhere near as docile or accommodating as her Indian caretakers. Martha, a bold young housekeeper with a love for children, gives her a jump rope, and Mary learns for the first time how to play like a normal, healthy child. As she wanders alone across the moors and through the neglected old house, she discovers qualities in herself that had lain dormant in her old life--curiosity, resourcefulness, self-reliance.

And then she finds the key.

Her small life begins to grow after she finds her way into the secret garden, and learns, with the help of Martha's brother Dickon, how to coax things that seem beyond saving into new life. The cold gray moors come alive with flowers and new young wild animals, and Mary finds herself caring not only for the nearly dead garden, but for the damaged, neglected people who blossom under her care.

I've read the Secret Garden at least once a year for most of my life. It's a wonderful book to read in the spring, but, I think, much more meaningful in the winter--when you feel that the world is too cold to nurture you, when you feel tired and stagnant, take time for this book. I hope you're moved by the scene that makes me cry every time: when Mary asks her uncle, timidly but so earnestly, "Might I have a bit of earth? … To plant seeds in--to make things grow--to see them come alive."

Come into KU soon to pick up a lovely hardcover ribbon-bookmarked copy of A Little Princess or The Secret Garden for yourself or for a meaningful gift. If you're yearning for your own bit of earth after reading about Mary Lennox, please take a look at our gardening section. We're all in love with our new products from Potting Shed Creations, which include everything you need to make something grow--seeds, soil, and a container. You can grow flowers or culinary herbs in a shiny pail, a brown paper bag, or a recycled wine bottle. Or, if you're lucky enough to garden in the ground, come see our beautifully patterned gardening tools.

This year I'm thankful for the people who have nurtured me along the way. I'm thankful for my best friend (and boyfriend), who once rode his bike all over Pittsburgh to find and bring me a copy of The Secret Garden on a day that I needed it. I'm thankful for the misfit group of strange children also known as the Kards Unlimited staff, who are funny and bright and kind. And I'm thankful for people like Frances Hodgson Burnett, who help us put the magic back into our grown-up world.

Happy Birthday Margaret Atwood

2011-11-18T09:45:00.000-05:00

Margaret Atwood is a champ. She is the author of thirteen novels, fifteen books of poetry, and nine short story collections. She has won fifty-five Canadian and international literary hono(u)rs, including the Booker Prize, the Gugenheim Fellowship, the Governor General's Award (twice), and the Arthur C. Clarke Award. She hold honorary degrees from seventeen institutions of higher learning including Bard, Harvard, and the National University of Ireland-Galway. Unfortunately, she has one thing going against her: she's Canadian.

we do have this though

I kid.
I have only read two of Atwood's books, neither of which were Handmaiden's Tale or The Blind Assassin, her most widely read and critically acclaimed novels, but I consider myself a fan nonetheless. Her books had the enviable quality of being able to do many things at once, while making each particular theme feel like the main vein of the novel. Cat's Eye, for instance, showed me in a way I never understood before the cruelty that little girls are able to show to each other, while giving me a fuller sense of the Canadian relationship with Great Britain, while illustrating a relationship with nature in a new and beautiful way. The Edible Woman, Atwood's first novel, taught me about the beginnings of feminism in Toronto on one level, but also the non-gender specific problem of feeling yourself consumed by powers greater than yourself.

And let it not be forgotten that Atwood has a way with words. Her prose is strikingly beautiful, and beautifully striking. On the sentence level, and it doesn't matter how great your ideas are if your sentences are weak, she ranks with the greatest wordsmiths of history. She communicates gallons of emotion and import with a single phrase, and does so in a way which makes the read -- me -- feel like I knew it all along. No mean feat.

When You Wish Upon a Star or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Debris of Tempel-Tuttle

2011-11-17T09:52:00.000-05:00

Oh Hai! Mind if me and my buddies drop by for a sec?

Listen up all you Skywatchers, Stargazers, and Hellraisers, (you know who you are), for those of you who are unaware, it is time for the annual Leonid Meteor Shower. Unfortunately it's been cloudy and rainy here in Pittsburgh the last few days and last night was not optimal for viewing. But Never Fear because the meteor shower peaks TONIGHT, and we're looking at mostly clear skies! I've double checked 3 separate weather websites, not to mention updating the two weather apps on my phone constantly, so... fingers crossed!

Space is super awesome. And it's big. I think the best person to ever explain it was my buddy, Douglas Adams, "Space... is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mindbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."And we only inhabit a tiny, tiny, teeny tiny part of it. So, when something goes on in space, when something that was all the way outside of our little system decides to drop by and say "Hi", I get super excited.

Meteor showers (a.k.a. shooting stars) occur because the Earth moves through patches of space debris left behind by comets and asteroids. That debris heats up in the Earth's atmosphere, causing those bright streaks... think of bugs on a windshield. The Leonid's are just the debris from the comet Temple-Tuttle. They appear to radiate from the constellation Leo, hence the name (I see what you did there). Now, meteors can be seen every night (because there is ALOT of random stuff out there) and if you're lucky, you can see 1 or 2 an hour. With the Leonids, you'll see 10 to 20 per hour. Fact: Every 33 years or so, The Leonids becomes a meteor STORM. The last one was in 1999, where over 1,000 meteors per hour were seen!The next big storm is scheduled for 2034... I CAN'T WAIT!


You ain't gonna need no fancy schmancy equipment.

So when is prime viewing time? Try around midnight/1am this year. And be patient, you may not see much at first, it takes your eyes a good 15-20 minutes to adjust. And we also have a bright moon to contend with. But if we're lucky, we may catch a break, like we did in 2002.

I still remember my first meteor Leonid Meteor Shower. We were in an Indian Summer, so the night really wasn't that chilly. I was about 10 or 11, and a bunch of us kids from the neighborhood grabbed some blankets headed out to the nearby park and laid down in the baseball field. I happened to be laying down next to my friends older brother, who I had a secret crush on. Now that I think about it, he was my FIRST ever crush. Every so often he would lean over and point a shooting star out to me, getting close so that I could follow the path of his finger as he pointed. That night I got to see some amazing shooting stars AND I got butterflies in my stomach for the first time. Hmmmm, maybe THAT'S the real reason why I get super excited by space news... it reminds me of those butterflies.

But I digress, If you get a chance, bundle up and step outside tonight. Make a wish on a shooting star, hell, make as many as you can, you'll get multiple chances. While you're doing that, sit back and take in the beauty of the night sky, it's never looked prettier.

One word: Gorgeous.

Happy Birthday Kurt Vonnegut!

2011-11-11T10:20:00.000-05:00

"How nice to feel nothing and still get credit for being alive!"

-Slaughterhouse Five.

How can I begin to write about somebody that changed my life? Literature that shaped the person I am today? A person so influential and talented my heart begins to beat faster with every passing moment? How can I possibly put into words how important this person is to me? EASILY.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr. was and is the most influential author of the 21st century, don't argue, that's actually a correct statement. If you want to NANCY DREW me on that little fact, we can take this out back. I'll lay down the cardboard and we can have a little 'dance time' and by that I mean IMMA PUNCH YA IN THE BUTT.

"I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can't see from the center."-Kurt Vonnegut

Vonnegut was, not only, the author of numerous hilarious, satirical, science-fiction esque novels but also a sketch artist, graphic designer, political and environmental activist, President of the Humanist Society of America, staunch Atheist, poet, WWII veteran, father of seven, husband and unfiltered Pall Mall enthusiast.

Kurt Vonnegut's life is an inspiration, born November 11th 1922 in Indianapolis, he was a Hoosier rascal from his first steps. Vonnegut came from a long line of German bred, out-of-the-box, intellectuals who inspired his Socialist and Humanists tendencies. During college Vonnegut enlisted in the army only to be sent straight to the front lines where he was captured in the Battle of the Bulge and taken as a German prisoner of war. Vonnegut would eventually end up in the city of Dresden where he witnessed the firebombing that infamously destroyed the city.

Vonnegut's experience in Dresden would forever change his life and inspire, the greatest war novel of all time, Slaughterhouse Five, also known as The Children's Crusade. This unparalleled book dives into the life of Billy Pilgrim, a man who has become unstuck in time. I won't tell you more, I can't tell you more...
Read this book!
Make sweet love to Montana Wildhack! Revel in the Tralfamadorians technological advancements! Rub shoulders with Kilgore Trout, the greatest and most under appreciated science fiction writer of all time! But be wary my friend! Life is not all fun and games! Don't befriend Roland Weary and stay away from Paul Lazzaro (temper! temper!) and always remember...Firefighters are the nations pride!

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be carful what we pretend to be."-Mother Night

My favorite Vonnegut is Galapagos, a story of destruction, re-birth and bitter BITTER irony all smashed into a chain of small islands in the South Pacific. Still not sure if you want to dive into this book just yet? Well have you lost somebody close? Want to take a cruise to ease the mind and set some spirits free? Is the global financial market about to crash? Feeling like your the only fertile person left on the planet?

Want your future children to really evolve past your own short comings? WELL you big brained booby have I got a book for you!

"Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment there is no why."-Slaughterhouse Five

So, you're feeling a bit overwhelmed? Can't seem to wrap your mind around Vonnegut? Need to take a break and just freaking WATCH something? That's what adaptations are for! Praise Allah! My favorite short story of all time, Harrison Burgeron has been adapted into a short film (trailer below) BUT if you feel like actually reading the most beautiful, moving short story of all time, well remove your handicaps and read my friends!

Interestingly enough did you know that our very own Kards Unlimited carries copies of literally ALL of his books. This is why I work here, this is why I applied here, this is what my essay was about! Timequake, Mother Night, Galapagos, Slaughterhouse Five, Blue Beard, Hocus Pocus, Slapstick, Jail Bird, Palm Sunday, Sirens of Titan, Breakfast of Champions, Happy Birthday, Wanda June, Player Piano, God Bless you Mr. Rosewater, Welcome to the Monkey House and the list goes on.

I think we can now openly appreciate Kurt Vonnegut as the poet, artist and visionary he was, and perhaps the greatest creative influence in this kiddos life! I write this with tears in my eyes, no words can express the importance of his literature, his life. Inspirational, absolutely inspirational.

So it goes.

Kurt Vonnegut Morose Memories

2011-11-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

I've always had a predilection to connect myself to Kurt Vonnegut in whatever ways I can, and I found one that isn't actually that bad: I was born forty-four years to the day from the beginning of the Dresden fire-bombing that changed Vonnegut's life irrevocably and so turned him into the writer we know and love.

I'd like to share my distinct memory of the morning I found out that he had died. I was standing outside of a diner in Center City Philadelphia, huddling under an umbrella with my girlfriend at the time, as the weather had been appropriately drizzly, gray and unlovely. We were reading as much as we could of the New York Times front page obit through the plastic and wire-mesh face of the newspaper box, because it never occurred to us to buy the paper. We skipped to first few periods of high school that day to chain-smoke and mope.

btw. You can wear this while you chain smoke. Or read.

Happy birthday you strange wonderful god-like creature

2011-11-10T08:41:00.000-05:00

Neil Gaiman and his wife, Amanda Palmer.
Amanda Palmer and her husband, Neil Gaiman.

November is a great month, so many awesome authors birthdays: Kurt Vonnegut, C.S. Lewis, Madeleine L'engle, Mark Twain... and today is the birthday of one of my Top Five all time favorite authors (and to my husband's chagrin, my pretend boyfriend), Neil Gaiman.

We here at Kards have a certain affinity for this man. Not only has he written some of our favorite books (American Gods, Stardust, Neverwhere) but he also wrote the Sandman comics (SANDMAN!!!), childrens books (Coraline, The Wolves in the Walls, Blueberry Girl), written an episode for Dr. Who (DR. WHO spoiler alert!!!), will be guest starring on The Simpson's on November 20th, recently married Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls, has a slue of awards, and who's book American Gods is being adapted into an HBO series next year. Phew... what can I say, the man's got some serious game!

Some Super Awesome Facts about the Man:

Neil Gaiman once wrote a Nebula-winning story using only the middle row of his keyboard.
Harper Collins has taken out a 2.5 million dollar insurance policy on Neil Gaiman’s accent.
If you write 1000 words and Neil Gaiman writes 1000 words, Neil Gaiman has written more than you.
Neil Gaiman does not use Microsoft’s grammar-check. Microsoft uses a Gaiman-check.
Neil Gaiman once did the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen. In fifteen minutes. He won two Hugo awards for it.
Neil Gaiman is who the Ghostbusters call.
Most agents charge a 15% commission. Neil Gaiman’s agent pays him an extra 15% for the privilege of saying “I’m Neil Gaiman’s agent.”
William Shakespeare once came back from the dead to ask for Neil Gaiman’s autograph.
Neil Gaiman is the reason nobody teaches “I before E except after C” anymore.
Some writers take inspiration from the muse. The muse takes inspiration from Neil Gaiman.
Neil Gaiman once groped Harlan Ellison.
The pen is mightier than the sword; Neil Gaiman has mastered fourteen different styles of penmanship.
Rumor has it that a NY editor rejected Neil Gaiman’s first book. This can not be confirmed, as the editor in question was never heard from again.
Neil Gaiman can tweet 175 characters.
Neil Gaiman’s personal library includes an autographed copy of the Necronomicon.
Hitler actually won World War II. Then Neil Gaiman wrote an alternate-history story in which the allies won, and reality was too intimidated to argue the point.
Some authors write in omniscient point of view. Neil Gaiman lives it.
Neil Gaiman’s next novel is expected to win the Nebula, the Hugo, and the Heisman Trophy.
In any given week, 7 of the top 10 books on the NYT Bestseller List are by pseudonyms of Neil Gaiman.
Neil Gaiman has never written a deus ex machina ending. However, God once wrote a Gaiman ex machina ending.
One of Neil Gaiman’s words is worth a thousand pictures.
Sandman is based on a true story; Neil Gaiman writes your dreams.
Neil Gaiman hides under his monsters’ beds.
Neil Gaiman can write a haiku in one syllable.
Neil Gaiman just plays Tetris with his writer’s blocks.
They say writers should write what they know, but the best ones write what Neil Gaiman knows.
Chuck Norris is actually a draft of one of Neil Gaiman’s short stories.

Note: Facts come courtesy of Jim J. Hines, not myself... though I really wish I was that clever

Wanna see what made up my mind that this man shall be my pretend boyfriend? Check out Neil Gaiman's bookshelves! *Drool*

Did you happen to catch his appearance this Halloween on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson? Check out the interview! (Spoiler alert: He brings Craigy-Ferg some haggis! Adorabubs!)

His wife performed 'Science Fiction Double Feature' from Rocky Horror later on the show as well. She was joined by Moby, Stephen Merrit, and Neil himself. It was pretty awesome, I'm in love with his wife as well!

Neil Gaiman: saving pandas from being
punched in the face.

OBSESSED W GAIMAN PERSPECTIVE 2

For those of you who have read a prodigious amount of his work and are yearning, nay, panting for more? Did you know that HE HAS A BLOG?? Yes, God reached down and touched his finger into the briny blend of the ether and from the froth of the roiling RAM was born this gift, this miracle, this unbelievable window into the mind of this incredible author. Go on, say it: "Please let me be worthy of your blog, Mr. Gaiman." From here, explore his appearances on Late Night talk shows, musical performances with his beautiful and talented wife Amanda Palmer (made famous by her involvement in the group The Dresden Dolls), and become informed about some of his many ongoing projects. Gaiman is tirelessly and valiantly attempting to encourage a healthy appetite for reading in not only the young, but people of all ages. For Halloween, he started a project called "All Hallow's Read" in which he encouraged the gifting of scary books on Halloween along with the candy, fake blood, and zombie teeth. He also coordinated a book drop to facilitate this! (He or his lovely assistant Lorraine, WHO ALSO HAS A BLOG! Read about her escapades at the World Fantasy Convention and ask yourself, "Why the heck was I not informed about this before it happened? How come I'm always invited to the party after it's already happened?") Similarly, Gaiman helped NPR kick off their children's reading program for kids who listen to NPR with their parents in the car called "Back-Seat Book Club." His The Graveyard Book was the featured piece of work, of which he speaks while interspersing anecdotes about his personal and family life. Read and listen here. Want to know even more about his upcoming projects? Follow him on Facebook and get updates!

So, Happy Birthday, Neil! We think you're super keen.

In different area codes, ar-e-a coooodes!

2011-11-09T08:00:00.001-05:00

So aside from being in every rap song you've ever heard area codes are everywhere and they are more than just the few numbers before your digits.

So maybe area codes don't mean much to you. Maybe everyone has cell phones with address books built in so you don't even know what anyone's number is anymore. For some of us area codes feel good. Those of us who like numbers too much, maybe like a crazy person, and who an area code means a familiar accent at the other end. Area codes mean happiness. The fact that area codes are becoming irrelevant to geographic location is like finding out your favorite show is being canceled or that the blue footed booby is in fact extinct.

Where do area codes come from you ask? So, area codes also known as urrea codes first started for the US in the late 1940s. Before you could tell Siri to call people for you, before the touch pad, before the light up buttons, before speed dial there was this thing called a rotary. You know it now because it's that type of telephone you have tattooed on your forearm but not on the arm with your joy division tat. The other arm. The one with the record player and the bicycle wheel on it, but the opposite side as the tattoo with the tree worked into the cityscape. With me now? Good.

So anywho the way this rotary phone was set up certain numbers were harder to dial and took more time because they were further away. When they started assigning area codes to locations, places that had higher call volumes and therefore needed things to get done quicker had codes given to them that were easiest and quickest to dial.

Example: 212 is rull easy and it was for NYC - somewhere getting lots of phone calls. Lots of them for phone sex.

I made that last part up. About the phone sex. Not about everything else.

Some area codes that I love

508 - boston accent

617- boston accent

781 - boston accent

774 - boston family

818 - LA friends 4 am drunk dials

603 - the SHIRE. Everyone good in the world.

412 - new friends, everyone I lived with in college.

Don't take your area code for granted especially if you still have one representative of where you're from because some day we are all going to be a muddled mess of numbers that don't mean anything and on that day I will in a corner. Rocking back and forth. Crying. Wishing for younger days.

HAPPY AREA CODE DAY!

Dear Santa, I Don't Have A Chimney, So Text When You Get Here.

2011-11-08T02:48:00.002-05:00

Dear Santa, please grant and give me the following:
1. A chimney.

2. A house to go with the chimney.

3. Can you make it so that bros stop wearing their hats backwards HALFWAY on their heads so that hair sticks out in the front? At least ban them from donating sperm? It fills me with murder.

4. How many times have you heard cold tired people say "I wish I could teleport to my bed" or "I wish I could moving-walkway it to my bed" or "I wish I could zipline/belay it to my bed"...how many more times do you need to hear it? Get cracking.

5. Make it so I can afford life. and eat. and pay for heat. and take my honey aht to dinner. and buy her love with money,etc. I could add you to my credit card so you can be an authorized payer. And your wifey, she can pay up too.

6. Finish grad school for me, and fill me in later.

7. Swap the nutrition value of pop-tarts and cauliflower. And while we're talking about vegetables, can you make it so asparagus makes urine smell like concord grape juice?

8. Can you make it normal to say hi to someone by slapping crap out of their hands?

9. I want a turtle.

10. I want cats to fly. And/or enjoy going down slides.

11. I want everyone I love to live in a big circle and in the morning we all come out and hold hands and sing like in The Grinch, and at the end of the day we all hang out and eat dinner and drink wine and watch movies on a big projector outside while we lay in sleeping bags.

Ok now I'll start to make it easy on you. This is my wishlist from Kards Unlimited and NO I can't give you my discount so don't ask. Imma jus take pics with my iphone so you know what to get:

Come for the bubbles, stay for the jars.

You're damn right I'm 30. What.

I don't even kerr what's in here, I'm blinded by awesome packaging.

Ok I already have these but I like to give them as gifts cuz they're AMAZEBALLS

I've never needed jars like I need these jars.

I don't care if I don't have a baby I want these. I'll put them on my cats.

Imma need a pup to go with this pup stash.

I wonder if they can make one that says "My cat likes murder. Murder cat."

OH MY GOD THESE JOURNALS ARE CHANGING MY LIIIIFFFEEEEEE they are made from discarded library books and have some of the pages preserved. We got a ton of these and I want them all. So. Hurry up.

Merry Christmas!

"Tiiii-iiii-iiii-iiime is on my side, Yes it is."

2011-11-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

"Go ahead, just TRY setting me back"

I'm not going to lie, I really do look forward to going back to Standard Time in the fall. No kidding.

I mean, come on, we set our clocks back one hour, basically allowing us to live in the past for a very short time, IN THE PAST, MAN! Granted it occurs when most of us are sleeping but sleeping in an extra hour is FANTABULOUS!

Soooo not looking forward to 'Spring Ahead'

So why, exactly do we advance and reset our clocks every year? Allow me to drop some knowledge on you...

In the summer it makes our afternoons seem like we have more daylight and mornings have less. It was instituted in the U.S. during W.W.I in order to save energy for war production by taking advantage of the later hours of daylight between April and October. During World War II the federal government again required the states to observe the time change. Then in 1966, Congress passed the Uniform Time Act, which standardized the length of Daylight Saving Time. But were you aware that not all of the U.S. adopted Daylight Saving Time? Arizona (except some Indian Reservations), Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and American Samoa have chosen not to observe Daylight Saving Time. This choice does make sense for the areas closer to the equator because the days are more consistent in length throughout the year.

Daylight Saving Time (or DST as I like to call it) clock shifts have the obvious disadvantage of complexity. People must remember to change their clocks, unless you have one of those smart clocks that does it automatically. Not only does my phone auto-update, but so does my bedside clock. (Funny story about how I discovered THAT: I set my clock ahead one hour last spring and then it updated while I was sleeping... putting me not one hour ahead, but TWO! Believe me, I was a pretty cranky person that day with 2 hours less sleep)

Because not all countries observe DST, or observe it at different times than the U.S, it also makes trying to set up an international conference call WICKED hard. Talk about frustrating. I mean, LOOK AT THIS:

DST used

DST no longer used

DST never used

That's pretty crazy! Almost THIS crazy!

So, for this blog, I was going to make a super cool humorous video about all the craziness of DST, but then I found this, and it was so perfect that I thought I'd share it with all of you:

HILARIOUS!

Daylight Saving Time, love it or hate it, we gotta put up with it. All I know is that now the dreaded countdown until we have to Spring Ahead begins. *sigh*

A Saxophoning Celebration to be Had by All! It's My Favourite Day: Saxophone Day!

2011-11-04T09:19:00.000-04:00

Open up your eyes and ears, my friends, because here comes a factoid-filled blog all about God's most sensational instrument. Before it was "the devil's horn" or an icon of jazz music, the saxophone came from lowly beginnings. Designed by the son of a clarinet-maker, Adolf Sax (you got it, that's where the "sax" in "saxophone" comes from) designed the saxophone for a new instrument fair in 1841. His hopes were that it would bridge the gap between the brass and woodwinds families of instruments (a feat eventually accomplished by the baritone, and in my opinion also the French horn considering that it's the only brass instrument traditionally included in woodwind quintets). However, when exhibited at the fair, Joe General Public thought the instrument so offensive to look at that he actually KICKED IT OFF ITS STAND! Aw hells no! It's alright, it was picked up by a few musicians from New Orleans and Kansas City and became the force to be reckoned with that it is today.

In the early 20th century, the saxophone was popularized by a young man named Rudy Weidoft who was quite possibly possessed by a demon much in the way that Paganini was in the early 19th century. Playing those iconic waltzes of the 1920s, Weidoft's playing is unparalleled to this day in technical prowess and expressiveness. Okay, I'm about to ruin something for you by giving you a taste of it at its best. While you listen to this, remember that the manner of articulation for the saxophone is by using the tongue to stop the vibration of the reed. This means that to create a separation between notes, the instrumentalist has to, in essence, say, "Tu tu tu" thus limiting the speed of articulation to the speed at which she can say, "Tu tu tu." To accentuate this point, try saying, "Tu tu tu" along with Weidoft's playing in the following piece:

AMIRITE?? That's just ridiculous! I studied saxophone performance in university and I am so much more than impressed.

EXTREMELY BRIEF HISTORY OF SAXOPHONE IN JAZZ:

After this musical pioneer redefined the capabilities of the saxophone and the saxophone performer, the instrument was adopted by a new type of music which blended African rhythms, slave songs, and religious hymnals - jazz music. I'm sure that you're all familiar with the names of the men (I'd love to say women, but at the time there weren't many) who made jazz saxophone famous: Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Julian "Cannonball" Adderley, Lester Young, Sonny Rollins, Branford Marsalis, Stan Getz, Ornette Coleman, Joshua Redman, Johnny Hodges, Warne Marsh, Wayne Shorter and Paul Desmond. This list includes all genres of jazz musicians, from free jazzers to beboppers, and from new wavers to cool jazzers.

SIMILARLY BRIEF, THOUGH JUST A BIT EXTENDED HISTORY OF SAXOPHONE IN CLASSICAL MUSIC:

In the realm of classical music, the saxophone got its first debut in the symphony orchestra in Maurice Ravel's orchestration of a piano piece by Russian composer Modest Mussorgsky. The piece was called "Pictures at an Exhibition" and for an entire movement, the saxophone had the floor. To this day, "The Old Castle" is an integral part of the classical saxophonist's repertoire.

From this starting point, saxophone has periodically been included in the symphony orchestra by composers such as Prokofiev, Bizet, Kodaly, Milhaud, Debussy, Ibert, Villa-Lobos and others. Some of the most famous include Prokofiev's "Romeo and Juliet," Kodaly's "Hary Janos Suite," and Bizet's "L'Arlesienne." Oh yeah! And most of Gershwin and Bernstein's works:

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Does this look like a wedding to anyone else? It sure does to me.

Along with orchestral playing, classical saxophone has enjoyed a rather narrow and incestuous soloistic career, namely in that there are few pieces to be played and everyone plays them. Alexandre Glazounov's "Concerto pour Saxophone en E bemoll" for example. Ibert's "Concertina de Camera," as another example. Ah, yes, and Debussy's "Le Cigne," or Yashimatsu's "Fuzzy Bird Sonata" if the player is particularly bold. If you ever get the chance to see a solo saxophone playing with a symphony orchestra, count your lucky stars because you may never see that twice in your lifetime.

Also popular amongst saxophone players is the saxophone quartet. Allowed to be a bit more flexible, quartets can play works from the classical repertoire of the 20th century such as works by Francaix, Rachmaninoff, and Bozza. Also, many saxophone quartets play pieces which expand outside the traditional classical genre and into jazz, klezmer, Latin music, ragtime, and African music.

Presently, the saxophone, particularly those which cover the lowest ranges, are being used in new music by current composers. With extended techniques such as multiphonics, flutter-tonguing, growling, and key-clicking the range of expression which a composer can accomplish with this one instrument is continually expanding.

HOW IT WORKS: The Reed

A bit about how the saxophone works. The saxophone is made up of several key parts, but none are as crucial to the overall sound and the quality of the end product as the reed. The player's breath passes over the reed (which is attached to the mouthpiece by the ligature) and causes the reed to vibrate. This is the point at which sound is created, and as it travels through the body of the saxophone is modified in pitch and amplitude. It is at this point, also, that the saxophone player can change the tone (or colour) of the sound produced. The body of the saxophone is, in essence, a cone which reaches its largest part at the bell.

The Body:

A straight alto!

For most saxophones, this cone had been bent at certain points in order to facilitate playability. This bend is called the "bow." It would be extremely difficult to play a tenor saxophone which has been left completely straight, because the player would have to rest the body on the floor or play atop a platform. Along the cone of the body are holes which, when left open, release air and when closed, contain it. These holes govern pitch and the placement and spacing of these holes along the body is extremely specific. The mechanisms which close and open these holes are called pads and are connected to the keys which are pressed by the player's fingers. To achieve an ascending chromatic scale from the lowest note of the instrument (or "bottom"), these pads need only to be opened one by one. To achieve a descending chromatic scale from the top, the pads need to be closed one by one.

Amplification occurs as the sound created by the reed bounces off the interior wall of the body in a zigzag pattern until it reaches either a hole which has been left uncovered, or the bell.

The Mouthpiece:

Sound can also be changed by the type of mouthpiece a player chooses to play. The mouthpiece is made out of hard rubber or metal and is slid onto the neck of the saxophone over a small amount of cork used to create an air-tight seal. The parts of the mouthpiece which sit in the mouth of the player are called the "tip" and "bank." Underneath the bank, the reed is pressed onto the "table" and "tip rails." Both the table and tip rails must be completely smooth in order to create as tight a seal as possible with the reed. The space between the tip of the reed and the tip of the mouthpiece is called the "tip opening." Jazz mouthpieces tend to have a larger tip opening than classical ones. This lends to a brighter, more bold and buzzy sound. A smaller tip opening will aid in acquiring a mellow, round, dark tone. Within the mouthpiece, the space just underneath the reed is called the "chamber" which then turns into the "bore" as you move closer to the neck of the saxophone. The mound of hard rubber which exists just below the bank in the interior of the mouthpiece is called the "baffle." The baffle is also a key element in sound production for the saxophone because it governs the way in which air initially moves into the instrument. The shape of the baffle, whether smooth and round, or jagged and square, influences the sound greatly.

TYPES OF SAXOPHONES:

Just as the shape of the mouthpiece changes, so does the shape of the saxophone itself. Within the saxophone family, there are many different sizes and ranges. Some of these include:

King Super 20 Tenor Sax! So beautiful!

Baritone
Tenor
Alto
Soprano
Bass
Contrabass
Sopranino
C-Melody
B natural
Slide
Curved Soprano
Straight Alto

The most commonly used are the first four, although more than ever is music being written which includes all the members of the saxophone family.

MANUFACTURING:

Conn 30M series "Naked Lady"

Once the size and scale of the saxophone has been chosen, the player can start looking into saxophone manufacturers. Adolf Sax's original company was bought by the currently present Selmer saxophone company which still makes superior saxophones. While specializing in professional models like the Series II, Selmer makes some reliable student model as well. However, the most renowned and coveted Selmer model is the Mark VI. Another great company is King whose King Super 20 has become famous among professional saxophonists. However, for those who swear by it, the Conn Naked Lady series has been made into fable for its chocolate tone and breezy playability. However, if you're just picking up the saxophone, the companies which makes the best student models are Yamaha, Bundy, and Keilwerth. Keilwerth makes a badass nickle-plated saxophone called "The Shadow" which has surprised me with its clean tone and beautiful intonation.

Keilwerth Shadow

Saxophones can be plated with different metals to alter the tone. The most popular seems to be silver, but nickel is showing up more and more. Not only does silver or nickel alter the tone, but it gives the saxophone a distinctive colour different from the yellow-gold which is most common.

ENOUGH WITH ALL THIS TECHNICAL SHIT! SHOW ME SOME TUNES!

Of course, you all may know this one:

This is pretty much in the badass hall of fame. But have you seen this? Then there was this one morning that David Bowie woke up and was all like, "What are young Americans all about? Oh! Probably saxophone, and a whole lot of it!" And so he made this little jewel.
And here we go:

It's Still Rock and Roll to Me - Billy Joel
He Can't Love You - Michael Stanley Band
Funkytown - Lipps Inc.
Urgent - Foreigner
I Can't Go For That - Hall and Oats
Super Freak - Rick James
Waiting on a Friend - Rolling Stones
Rio - Duran Duran
Maneater - Hall and Oats
Lava - B52s
Oh Bondage Up Yours - The X-Ray Specs
Buena - Morphine
She Works Hard for the Money - Donna Summer
Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
Smooth Operator - Sade
The Glamorous Life - Sheila E.
Red - King Crimson
Jealous Guy - Roxy
You Belong to the City - Glenn Frey
Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty
Living in America - James Brown
Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money
Hungry Eyes - Eric Carmen
Got My Mind Set on You - George Harrison
Electric Blue - Icehouse
Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car - Billy Ocean
Forever Your Girl - Paula Abdul

So there you go! Have a wonderful and educated saxophone day! If you want lessons, you come in and talk to me. If you have any favourites which I didn't mention, that's too bad. Learn to play them yourself and show me one. EXCEPT IF IT'S KENNY G, NEVER GET THAT MAN OR HIS MUSIC NEAR ME AS LONG AS I LIVE PLEASE GOD!!!!

Happy Saxophone Day!!!!!

Anthony Braxton with a Contrabass saxophone!

The Incredibly Strange Story of Sadie Hawkins Day

2011-11-03T09:24:00.000-04:00

Like all great American traditions, Sadie Hawkins Day was invented in a newspaper comic strip, in this case Lil Abner. As put on the Lil Abner website: "Sadie Hawkins Day, an American folk event, made its debut in Al Capp's Li'l Abner strip November 15, 1937. Sadie Hawkins was 'the homeliest gal in the hills' who grew tired of waiting for the fellows to come a courtin'. Her father, Hekzebiah Hawkins, a prominent resident of Dogpatch, was even more worried about Sadie living at home for the rest of his life, so he decreed the first annual Sadie Hawkins Day, a foot race in which the unmarried gals pursued the town's bachelors, with matrimony the consequence."
This is, of course, one of those things that one would be offended by in this modern world but seems almost cute in its old-timey chauvinism. In any case, the decades have shift the associations of Sadie Hawkins' name from bachelor-catching to a dance for which girls ask out boys (gasp!). For this reason, the lift of responsibility from my socially-awkward shoulders, Sadie Hawkins Dances have always been my favorite. See the following self-portrait:

Some extra fun about Sadie Hawkins:

Reliant K has a song called Sadie Hawkins Dance, featuring such wordsmithed lyrics as "all the girls in the bathroom talking, who they gonna take the Sadie Hawkins. My ears are burning but I kept on walking, smile on my face and an air guitar rocking.

The creators of Lil Abner tried to sue Disney for an unauthorized use of "Sadie Hawkins" after an episode of Lizzie Mcguire centered around a Sadie Hawkins Dance.

Sadie Hawkins is also a burlesque dancer and fire artist from Georgia. It is unknown if Lil Abner has tried to sue her as well.

So girls, go get what and who you want on the fifth or else you'll be a spinster forever....?

ASK THE TEAMSTERS, ITS SANDWICH DAY!

2011-11-02T01:45:00.006-04:00

Sandwich Day is the best day of the year. Im barely kidding. There are so many types of sandwiches that it's almost impossible to not find a way to be satisfied. They are the perfect combination of whatever you would ever like for any occasion, any day of the week, any time of day. Just think about it: sweet or savory things between two or more pieces of whatever kind of carbohydrate makes you giddy. That is math everyone can be into. Sandwiches are universal. Every culture has their version of the sandwich if not the sandwich we know and love. They bring people together. The end wars. In honor of sandwich day Im going to go over some of the best kinds. Note: there won't be any meat involved so you'll have to use your imagination and dwell in your own sandwich memories for those. Or come in and get this because its pretty great.

Back to me now.

ice cream sandwiches:
The ice cream sandwich is frequently looked over on a day of sandwiches. There's the classic ice cream sandwich but then you can make an ice cream sandwich by putting ANY ice cream between ANY two cookies...or even waffles if thats your thing. Endless possibilities. Endless.

tofurky sandwiches:
Much like any sandwich that utilizes deli meat the tofurky sandwich can be the simplest of bread, tofurky, extras or you can go crazy with it. You can get yourself some foccacia or 80 grain bread, smoked gouda or plain ol cheddar or some vegan cheese. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE. Just ask TI.

Do burgers count as sandwiches? Are they like squares? Burgers can be sandwiches but sandwiches can never be burgers? Well I think they count and I think I want to eat them all. This happens to be a homemade veggie burger from Christopher's in Boston. I would take any veggie burger though. As long as it's not too mushroom based. Lentils? Veggies? Broccoli?? I will eat them all on sandwich day. But you can eat any kind of burger. I won't judge you.

Do paninis count as sandwiches?
I say HELL TO THE YES. I can't even begin to tell you about different paninis I've had in my day because it will be inappropriate. Paninis make me make the noises that no one should ever have to hear. Apples and smoked cheddar? Eggplant, caramelized onions and goat cheese? Tomato, basil and mozzarella? Any and all of these things.

breakfast sandwiches. Wait let me clear my throat. BREAKFAST SANDWICHES. god's gift to drunk and hungover. Or just hungry. Or brunch. There was a time in my life I didn't eat egg sandwiches. I've blacked those days out. A grilled english muffin with tomato and a little salt and pepper and a fried egg? Or maybe you like your things a little runnier, thats aiiiite. Maybe you prefer it on a bagel. Or bread. Or waffles. Isn't that a thing? Anwayz. Home made, the morning after, gas station, fast food location or your favorite diner, they always taste good.

grilled cheese sandwiches
As some of you might recall I once wrote a pornographic piece for this very blog on grilled cheese day. Im going to keep this clean and just give you these.

open face sandwiches for those who don't like clutter or too many carbs: nuff said.

subway sandwiches: sandwiches save lives....


he knows everything

peanut butter and jelly :
the most CLASSIC of sandwiches. You can also add some fluff and really get crazy . Some people add bacon. I support that since bacon isn't really meat....maybe.

More delicious sandwiches I would like on sandwich day:


Don't judge.

So go out into the world and eat as many sandwiches as you can because you can. Because possibility is everywhere and so is magic. Sandwiches are magic. And remember:

We'll give you something to be thankful for this november AY

2011-11-01T09:14:00.000-04:00

November oh sweet, sweet November. November is my favorite wintery month. There's lots of over eating, world records, authors, daylight savings, more eating, meteorites, flossing, saxophones and letters to Santa! Who wouldn't love a month full of those things? Did we mention that everything starts looking and feeling like everyone's favorite cheery holiday season?

November is everything but limp but unfortunately it's national impotency month. So before you aren't able to get it up out of the dumps just grab big 'ol handful of those little blue pills. Or stop smoking so much. Or don't try to accomplish anything after drinking that handle of vodka. Or maybe you need to try some new things to get things ...moving. We have some inspiring literature and as always some delightful massage oils. Just saying. If none of that works you could always just ask Santa for your ability to get things going again.

Dear Santa,

Please help me. I have this problem and I need a helping hand...

For those who celebrate the holiday known as Christmas you've probably written a letter to old st.Nick at some point. Hopefully not about impotency. You get your paper and crayons out, sit down and think about what your really want and go to town trying to sound as sweet and deserving as possible. You might be thinking why are they talking about Dear Santa letters already and we're here to tell you that much like KU the North Pole is already in full swing trying to get everyone's xmasxwants needed and together. Gotta give him enough time to read all of them so start writing, Dear Santa letter week is the 7-11.

Have you ever been in the shower doing your thang thinking about how great you are which makes you start thinking about what your epitaph would be? Yea? Like errrryday? Well then thank goodness for you, today is plan your epitaph day! some of the coolest ones to me are the funny ones but maybe you disagree. Let us know what you would write about yourself. Some examples to get you started.

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.

"That's all, folks!"
Mel Blanc (the epithaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig, whose voice was provided by Blanc for many years)

"I had a lover's quarrel with the world"
Robert Frost

"I told you so, you damned fools."
H. G. Wells

I love ambiguity. That's why I love National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day.....what??

Delicious and strange. Just how I like everything.

Guiness World Record Day -

Think you're the best and baddest at eating ab obscene amount of marshmallows upside down while singing in spanish? Well little did you know someone else might think so too and you'll find out when you try to break each others random record for the Guiness World Record title. Think you can throw a person further than anyone else? Balance a heavier car for longer on your head than the next guy? that you can bathe with the most rattle snakes?You can pull more weight with your eye sockets than everyone else? That you can throw more domestic appliances within a minute? You can eat a raw onion faster than all other raw onion eaters in the world? You can pack a rollercoaster full of the most naked people and then ride it? Well then this is the day for you my strange little friend.

We all need support sometimes. Just ask impotency person. But some of us need support and sympathy. That's right it's exactly what you were thinking. The well known Married to a Scorpio Support day is upon us, so if your friend is married to a Scorpio you might want to think about taking them aside for some heart to hearts because their signif other might be a nightmare. Remember with scorpios come great passion but sometimes it's not so good. Just ask every woman in hollywood who has attempted to marry or married ryan reynolds.

So you're walking around. Lost. Looking for that sunny day. That one that sweeps the clouds away. Where the air is sweet. You approach a feathery looking stranger and ask, "Could you tell me how to get, how to get to...Sesame Street?"

Sesame Street Day makes us very very happy for a lot of reasons. Not only is Sesame Street some of the coolest educational programming out there since 1969! But I'm pretty sure Maria, Bob, Luis and Gordon aren't aging at all. How do they still look like they did when I was a kid?? Aside from finding the elixir of life, Sesame Street has been teaching everyone all the things they need to know all over the world. In Pakistan teaching peace, in Africa teaching kids about Aids. I mean anything Jim Henson had anything to do with has got to be good too, right? And Follow That Bird. Favorite as a kid. Put down the ducky if you want to play the saxaphone? Every great guest ever? Want to know more about Sesame Street? Check out Street Gang: The Complete History of Sesame Street.

Want to watch this because its EFFING AWESOME. YESH? HOKAY. Do that.

Nothing bundt cakes

Kiss my bundt

That beautiful round ridged tasty little treat that is UNMISTAKABLE has its own day.

It's own NATIONAL day. So get your bundt to a bakery or your kitchen and make a cake and bring it me asap.

BRING IT TO THANKSGIVING THE BEST HOLIDAY OF ALL TIME FOREVER AND EVER

Thanksgiving is a holiday dedicated to eating food and feeling ready for Christmas and drinking to excess and laughing and watching Christmas movies as early as possible and delicious food of all kinds and Tofurky and being thankful or something and being surrounded by people you love and more eating and dessert and naps and the INTRO TO THE MACYS THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE I HOPE THE GUY WHO DOES IT IS IMMORTAL and seeing your favorite television celebrities wear beanies and pretend to be normal and watch everyone lip sync their songs and almost fall off the float and AMERICA SINGS. Best. Day. Ever.

So get ready for Novemeber ya'll. These aren't even the coolest parts of this month because Im holding those hostage as secrets only to be revealed as me and my gang of bloggers start writing about them and posting them on the blog and our book of faces so GET READY BECAUSE THIS MONTH WILL BLOW. YER. MIND. ALL OVER. YOUR. FACE. (credit to the girl who said it first)

John Cleese Is Very Tall and British

2011-10-26T09:35:00.000-04:00

For those of us whose fathers, as mine did, had a penchant for verbose slapstick comedy, John Cleese has always been the first mental image that pops up at the word "British." As one very visible sixth of the comedy troupe Monty Python, Cleese has kept me from writing off the entire United Kingdom as bad teeth and meat pies. His height and proper accent allowed him to appear as the prototypical British middle-manager, only to then behave in manners ranging from generally silly to utterly bizarre.

Cleese and his writing partner Graham Chapman are responsible for some of Monty Python's most famous sketches, including the "Dead Parrot" sketch which introduced the world to the revolutionary idea of an "ex-parrot."

Cleese certainly seems to be the Python member who has kept in the public eye longest since their television program and movies -- when they cast him as Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter movies, I was as satisfied as when a chord progression properly resolves, and his BBC series Fawlty Towers topped the British Film Institute's list of 100 Greatest British Television Programmes. High praise indeed.
The thing is, John Cleese is a hilarious man, but a couple of years ago I found out that he can also be one of the most sincere and affectionate people on the planet. When Graham Chapman was struck down by throat cancer at only 49, John Cleese delivered the best eulogy I've ever heard. He took the question of how do you mourn a man who lived by laughter and answered it definitively: you don't, you just keep laughing. Pray, give it a listen. You might get all misty-eyed.

Happy Birthday John Cleese!

ps. if you're looking for a Monty Python fix we'll be reading this all day